Changing Realities

“I wanted to check in with you. It’s been a while since we last talked about this topic. How are you dealing with all of it now that you’ve moved to a new place?”, she asked after I told her about my experiences so far in the new country.

“Writing it all down helped. The last time I tried, I ended up pulling down the blog and later the website before anyone could read it. I couldn’t sleep and my entire body started to hurt. So, I decided to take a break because it was getting overwhelming. I guess I was talking from my ego back then.

Finally, relating to her helped. With everything else that was happening, I had refused to acknowledge that I wasn’t the only one who was hurting. There were two people in that friendship. We were at least honest with each other about not wanting to lose it. I wasn’t the only one in that connection. We were just stupid to not see that even something as pure as a friendship can be tarnished by fragile egos and circumstances.

Something shifted in me the moment I acknowledged her pain, her struggles, and the fact that she also lost a friend. I actually cried when I finally allowed myself to connect with her and all I could feel was that I wasn’t the only one for whom it was tough to go through any of it. I at least found people to talk to but, knowing her, I am not sure if she would have sought out anything for herself, let alone acknowledge it. I hope that she did. It would have been tougher when you don’t even know why you’re feeling the way you are or why you’re acting the way you are. That anger turned into compassion once I considered how I would have felt extremely confused if I were in her place. So I imagined her just sitting there going through something, whatever it is or was, without understanding any of it. Or feeling confused after what I told her. In a way though, it doesn’t even matter whether she was confused or not. She still lost a friend and that sucks.

I laugh at myself now when I recall the way I reacted to that part of her. You know I actually snapped at that part and asked her to go back. I told her that instead of helping me, she should talk to herself. And that part of her, always just responded with this smile and love that made me even angrier. It was as if she knew I wasn’t angry, just hurt. As if she knew that I just wanted my friend back. It made me angry to know that she could see through my ego.”

“It’s beautiful to hear that you found a way to be compassionate. We don’t always have the strength to do that”, my therapist replied in kind.

“It helped to finally be able to cry. It’s been happening more these days so I guess I am crying for both of us? I don’t even know anymore.”, I replied laughing.

“What makes you laugh?”

“I remember I was sitting in her house one day and I got this feeling that I was with my daughter. It took me aback. After a few days, I felt like I was with a long-lost sister. Then, the feelings evolved into something else just to go back to – oh but she is the best friend I had been missing.

I am laughing at the absurdity of it all because how could we have responded any differently? How could we have managed it any better? Do I ignore what I experienced or does she just believe what I tell her? It’s almost as if we were doomed to hurt each other from the very beginning.

The problem for me is – how to feel all these feelings and not get overwhelmed. To relate to her, I also imagined if someone was coming at me with all those strong feelings and was feeling as disoriented as I was, won’t I be scared? Won’t I try to hide? And the answer was – probably yes especially when I had no idea what the hell was going on.”

“I can tell you that the answer is not to ignore how you’re feeling. You feel that love – all those forms of love and you also feel that pain. In our sessions, I’ve seen you come around and ultimately have compassion and love for anyone who has ever hurt you. You’re an empath so you also feel other people’s emotions. I can imagine that you deal with a lot of feelings and energy in a day. Sometimes yours, sometimes others. In the past, what has helped you and what hasn’t?”

“Ignoring never helps like you said. Acknowledging helps. Asking myself whose emotions those are, helps. Connecting with my body and listening to what it needs, helps. In her case, not lying to her and myself helps. And having compassion for both of us helps. I don’t want to lead with my ego anymore. I am done running or chasing something that’s out of my control.”

“Then you continue to do that. What you’ve experienced not a lot of people do. You’re the way you were meant to be. Always remember that.”

“My best friend said the same thing to me before I moved here. Her daughter wrote it down for me so that I can remind myself that every single day.

I’ve noticed another shift in me. I used to be so completely numb to emotional movies or tragedies. And now, you show me something and I’ll just end up feeling all of it. It’s good to know that I have emotions and feelings. Just need to figure out a way to not get overwhelmed.”

“Looks like the protector we spoke to the other day who protects you from getting overwhelmed, has been working very hard throughout your life. He is now also willing to give you some space to acknowledge some of those emotions. Your parts have started to trust you.”, my therapist pointed out the protector we had identified in one of our earlier IFS sessions.

“Yes, he is always here – protecting me from getting hurt and from hurting myself. And you’re right, my parts have slowly started to trust me. They know that I’ll find a way to connect. I won’t ignore myself, my feelings, and my body anymore. Well, they make sure that I don’t. Just yesterday, I made a decision solely based on how my body was reacting. And it turned out to be the right one for me”, I reflected.

“How are some of those parts doing especially the kid and the female?”, my therapist asked getting back to IFS.

“Kid is simply curious all the time. It helps to connect with that part especially when I interact with new people or seek out new experiences. It just wants to have fun.

The female is starting to trust me more with her emotions. She carries some heaviness and still feels the need to protect herself. But she showed me how we can’t ignore the pain within us and around us. She showed how by hiding our true desires, our feelings, and our hurt, we simply halt our progress. We can’t grow unless we learn to sit with our emotions. For spiritual growth, it’s not just the masculine or the mind that needs to expand, but also the feminine, the emotional, nurturing, and creative side of us that needs to evolve. I think that’s what most of us get wrong. It’s not just the mind, it’s all parts of us. I went after my mind with all the meditation I did and ignored the pain that my body was carrying.

She also showed me why it’s difficult for her to trust. She showed me how my entire life has been about surviving and not really surrendering. And how in order to survive, I had forgotten how to just be. She taught me that if we all continue to ignore who we are and what we feel, we won’t be able to heal ourselves or others. Instead, we can empathize and surrender. We can love, be compassionate, and continue healing. She just needs to know that it’s safe to feel and that she won’t be hurt again. That I won’t hurt her again with my ignorance and resistance. That I’ll continue to love no matter what.

She does question the point of life. She questions the purpose of it all. It just so happened that after our last session, I came across a book – that’s something that happens when I need some guidance and when it’s time for me to find the answer that I am seeking.

Anyway, this book felt like it was talking to me. It answered the questions I was asking myself and actually provided me the guidance I need right now”, I continued to tell my therapist about the book and the lessons it taught me.

“You’re a manifestor. Do you see that? You brought me into your life. I didn’t manifest this relationship, you did. You brought this book into your life. And you can manifest the future you want.”, My therapist expressed

“I am starting to see it.

A few months back, a friend gave me a book – “The Forest of Enchantments”. I didn’t even know how much I needed that book until I read it. To read a book remotely related to spirituality was a big deal for me after all those experiences. But I gave it a shot and it was totally worth it. Can you imagine that this random book talked about the spiritual experiences that I had and talked about them in a way that I could relate to? Like how it would happen to a person living in this reality but who is also slightly aware of what’s happening in the other reality(s)? And to top it all, it talked about female empowerment. I couldn’t put the book down once I started.

But I am trying to accept all this more. Or at least be more open about it all. It’s just a little difficult to believe it when I look at the past and think about certain experiences. But, yes, I am starting to believe.”

“One step at a time. Going back to her, where are you going to go from here?”

“Well, I think that part of her answered that question for me a long time back. I just failed to see it. When I was trying to find my way, she continued to have compassion and looked through my hurt and ego. She didn’t expect anything in return. I’ll do the same.“

“Will you continue to blog?”

“Yes. I’ll know when to. It’s like sometimes there is an intense feeling to write. And it won’t go away until I do. There is already another topic in my mind that I need to write about. I ran into a blockage last year which made it difficult to write. But something changed a few months back and I could write again. So I’ll continue to let my intuition guide me. It’ll keep coming out when the time is right.”

“It has been a good tool to help you process. Someday, I would want you to share your learnings with the world under your name.”

“Haha. Someday!”

____________________________________________________________________________

“How do you feel about your upcoming move?”

“There are a lot of mixed feelings. There are so many things that I will miss about this place but I am also curious to see how this turns out.”, I responded.

“What are you most excited about?”, she asked.

“The place itself and the opportunity to explore a new land. I had this dream as a kid that I want to travel and live in as many places as I could to learn about different cultures. I had this belief that we’re not meant to stay in one place and that for our growth, moving to different places and making new connections helps with the growth. I’ve been proven right till now so curious to see what this next move will bring.”, I explained.

“What will you miss the most about here?”, she asked.

“Everything – people, apartment, activities, food, weather, and location. It’s a beautiful place and has a lot to offer depending on what you’re looking for. There are so many memories and a lot of conflicting feelings around those memories.

I’ll definitely miss it and the people I met here.”, I said lost in thoughts.

“Would you like to talk more about those conflicting feelings?”, she asked.

“On the one hand, I feel like I have experienced more expansion here than I could have anticipated, and, on the other hand, it has also been emotionally challenging. One reason I decided to come here was to give myself a chance to open up about who I am and provide myself an opportunity to expand. After a lot of twists and turns, I feel like I am in a better position now than when I started. It just came with a lot of struggles. I feel tired. My body is exhausted yet I feel fulfilled if that makes sense.”

“It does. It wasn’t an easy journey that you embarked upon and yet you made it this far.”, she responded with a smile on her face.

“I did. Trust me, there were times when I wondered if I should give up. But I am glad I didn’t. And I appreciate all the support I got along the way.”

“Would you like to talk to that part of you that feels tired? What does it say was the hardest part?”, she asked

“Sitting alone in my room and wondering if I’ll ever feel like myself again. And if I would ever smile a real smile again. Now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I can see myself smiling again and that feels so good. What had been stopping me from being myself came to the surface and released in a way that was scary when it happened but also so freeing once it was over. With therapy, I could witness all those experiences that had scared me but in a safe place and they don’t seem as scary as they had all those months back. They still don’t make much sense to me but at least I know that I was never in danger. That knowing helps.”, I exhaled.

“I am glad that therapy helped you get that sense of peace that you had lost during those experiences. What’s your take on that entire experience now?”

“Well, I can see the positives that it brought into my life without negating the impact it had on me because of the way it transpired. I don’t know why it happened the way it did but I at least know what triggered it, and that helps. It also helps to know that I can finally let go of some of the pain and anger that I had been carrying. Looking back, I can’t help but wonder if it was just time for it to happen.”

“Would you like to explain that last part?”, she asked.

“I can’t forget that night when all those years back I was looking at the sky and wondering why I was surrounded by so much darkness – within and outside. That was the first time I had acknowledged the darkness I had been living with and all I wanted was to get out of it. Nothing I did brought me happiness. Some things helped me divert my mind but anytime I was by myself, it was hard to breathe. I also can’t forget how before I moved here there was this intense craving to do it the year I did. I didn’t care about the repercussions or how it would impact my life or my relationships. I just remember feeling that it was time and that I couldn’t stay back any longer for even a few months.

The day I knew I had to leave my country to pursue my dreams, I cried wondering what it would mean for my relationship. I knew it would be difficult but I also knew that I had to leave. If I hadn’t moved when I did, things would have looked a lot different.

I get the same feeling now. It’s time to leave, at least for now.”

“I will trust your intuition. You mentioned last time that you went to a hypnotist. How did that go?”

“It was mind-blowing and equal parts enlightening and intense. I witnessed a life that showed me the pain of separation that I have been carrying for God knows how long. It explained where that pain and fear of separation come from. It felt like I just touched that pain for a fraction of a second and yet it was too painful to experience – soul-wrenching. I felt that pain in my body and it was almost unbearable.

Some people I met who had witnessed that experience for themselves had told me that the pain of separation is nothing like any pain they had ever witnessed. And when I experienced it myself, I realized how right they were.

Separately, I got answers to a few questions that I had been wondering about. Probably one of the most important takeaways for me was that my theory about DNA is right. It was all in my DNA. All those memories, feelings, and emotions were hiding in my DNA.

When we talk about enlightenment, we think of it as an outward experience. As if something external comes to light. But that’s not it. We just awaken to ourselves. It is nothing but us activating strands of our DNA that have been dormant for a long time. That’s the purpose of it all. All these tools help you do that. I believe it’s the pain and trauma stored in our bodies and DNA that creates a blockage and prevents these strands from getting activated. When my awakening started, these blockages started to fade away and were ready to be released. My body and soul knew that it was time to release. My mind just took some time to settle down.

The initial pain I felt when I had that first panic attack was the trigger. And if that trigger hadn’t happened, none of this would have been possible. I wouldn’t have had those sleepless nights or those recurring dreams and I wouldn’t have turned to meditation as a tool to help relieve that pain. I wouldn’t even have stayed back or moved to this state when I did if the events hadn’t happened in the series that they did. It was all meant to happen.

I still didn’t get an answer to some questions that I have been impatiently waiting to get an answer to but I realized that I will get that answer too when it’s time. Or my resistance to accepting what I already know will fade away.”

“That’s powerful and fascinating. What question are you looking to get an answer to?”

“Why did it have to be that intense and was I disillusioned in my understanding of what happened because of how I was feeling at the time? The other parts of my experience have all proved themselves in one way or another. Premonitions are an everyday reality, seeking guidance is my everyday truth and I have little doubts about past/parallel lives. Soul connections have left me with no doubt about their truth. However, I still am not sure if I made a mistake in interpreting some of it or why..?”

“Yet you can’t understand why it happened?”

“Yes, and if I interpreted it right, what do I do with it? What was the point of remembering? I witnessed the memories and energies stored in my DNA. My body illuminated with strands of those DNA. The hypnotist asked me to remove those pieces from my DNA and to remove the memories stating that they didn’t need to be there. She said it doesn’t matter whether it stays in my DNA or not, it won’t change the truth. But I was just so mesmerized by it that I couldn’t do it. It felt so surreal. I was also scared of what happens if I remove it? What happens when I forget? I am the only one who remembers. At the same time, can I trust what I see? I want to accept it but…”

“But? What do you fear will happen if you accept it for what it was?”

“I won’t know what to do with it. I’ll end up relieving that pain and I will not know why it is the way it is. It changes nothing. I’ll go down a rabbit hole from where there is no turning back. I had dreams for two years of an event that was about to happen in the future. Two years of dreams telling me what was meant to happen with an idea of when. Two years of me witnessing an experience in a loop as if to prepare me for when it happens. Two years of subconscious talks with someone to help me deal with the situation. The last dream was somewhere around August/September of last year and, in the dream, I could finally talk without trying to hide. I still ran away initially but came back to complete the conversation. When I woke up, I told myself that I was finally ready to let go of resistance. I said my thanks and felt a little ready to let it be. To let things happen the way they were meant to.

I called up my friend after that dream and told her that it was about to happen and had given her a timeframe. So when it did, I knew it was time. I think that’s why I also got this feeling last year that I had to leave now.”

“I hope you realize that that’s not easy to experience. Two years seem like a long time. It almost sounds like torture.”, she expressed her concern.

“That’s the term I had used all those years back to express how I was feeling without realizing how true it was – Torture. Now as I reflect on it, my body and soul were remembering and opening up to one of the most painful experiences they remembered. The circumstances might have been different but the feeling of separation and abandonment were still the same. They were reliving something that had happened a long time ago but all I could see at the time was what I was experiencing at that moment. And to me, what was happening was not big enough for me to experience something so profound.

Now when I am able to see beyond what my mind could perceive at the time, I don’t know what to make of it.”

“And what kept you stuck in the past?”, she asked

“The misplaced expectation from myself to act a certain way and wait. This expectation came from the confusion around the disparity between this reality and the other, and not being sure of which of the two realities to believe in. She was my guide throughout my awakening and still is. She was who I held onto on the darkest nights. People pray to God when they’re scared but in my case, I was scared whenever I saw God. So the only one I could trust was her appearing in my visions or dreams when they got overbearing. There were dreams/visions where I used to freeze out of fear and not have an idea of how to return to myself, and, then, I would see her and focus all my attention on what she asked me to do to get out of that experience. I don’t know if my brain just found that as the way to keep me sane but that’s my truth. I couldn’t trust anyone or anything but her.

So when my visions, dreams, and awakening didn’t align with this reality, I felt lost. That day when I got into that call, I told myself that I could trust her. That I was in a safe space with my friend. Even then I knew what was going to happen in the future and I had made my peace with that. I was looking for the friend I knew with whom I could share my experiences and with whom I could feel a tad bit of safety that I had lost completely. So when that didn’t happen, I felt more lost than before. I started feeling scared of her too and I lost the one thing that was keeping me sane during those experiences. She continued to appear in my dreams and visions but unlike earlier where I found solace in her presence, I started to run away from her too. Over time, other guides started to show up with whom I could feel safe. But she never stopped coming to help either and I never stopped running away from her.

I refused to interact and every time I saw her, I only got sadder and angrier because reality was much different. In this reality, she had removed herself and had left. In that reality, she continued to show up any time I needed guidance, even without asking. I was beyond confused and angry but didn’t know who to be angry with. It took me talking to therapists like you to understand the source of that pain, hypnosis to witness the source of that suffering, and time to finally come to a point where that anger started to fade. I am not angry anymore. It’s just the feeling of being let down – not by her, not by myself, just by what happened and by how things are. It’s also feeling apologetic for not respecting that part of her that continued to show up.

I have come to a point where any new visions/dreams about her don’t result in a lot of emotions but I am just blank/stoic most of the time. It’s not happiness/sadness, it’s just acceptance of reality. Not approving it but not resisting it either. Sometimes I’ll have a dream which will help me become aware of the remaining emotions. Those are the hardest ones because it’s like I am purging a drop of all that pain one dream at a time. But I have to witness those stuck emotions every time I have a dream. And she’s always there in those dreams, sometimes guiding me, sometimes supporting me, sometimes letting me know what I am doing wrong, and sometimes just there to let me know I am not alone. I apologized to that part of her for the way I acted because while I don’t know how this works, I know she never left. I apologized to her for turning into a runner myself.

So what made me sad at other times was witnessing everything and not knowing where to go from there. I wasn’t wrong when before this experience, I was so confused about the love I felt for her as a friend, guide, mother, daughter, sister, and more. She was all of that and is all of that. Why even though I was angry, it was hard not to still love her. How do you hold anger for someone who represents all those forms of love? So what made me sad was witnessing everything and not being able to do anything about it. What made me sad was never being able to talk to her about what I witnessed and what this is or who she is. What made me feel stuck was waiting for the day she remembered or believed.

I had put this expectation on myself that I had to act a certain way and feel a certain way because that’s the whole point of remembering, right? But, then, I started to question if that was really it.

That’s where the question of what’s the point of remembering comes up because if others don’t believe you, then, what is the point? As I continue to let go, I wonder if it was just to help me get through those darkest of nights because even in that anger, I knew I could trust her. Maybe it was for me to know that I am never truly alone. Maybe it was the lesson of not holding onto something too tight, no matter what or whom. Maybe it was to witness a pain stored in my body, allowing it to surface and heal with time so that I could move past that experience. Maybe it was for me to realize that I did not need her to rescue me because only I could have rescued myself. Maybe it was also to realize that she didn’t need me to protect her either because she can manage it herself. Or maybe it was just a way to bring awareness to an experience, allow me to witness a memory that my soul remembered, and have empathy for both of us. She was there, just not how I wanted her to be but how I needed her to be.”

“Can you see this part of you who felt stuck and confused? Can you see why it felt that way?”, she encouraged me to have compassion for myself

“I can. It felt like I was so stuck. Uhhh, there were times when I would get so confused because the visions/dreams used to accelerate especially when I was in a relationship or had decided to move on. I was fortunate that my ex could understand and sympathize. She hadn’t had the same experience herself but just from her connection with me, she could relate to what was happening. I could talk to her about the confusion around the whole situation and having no clue what role I was supposed to play in all of it. There is no playbook of how to go about this.”

“There isn’t. What would you say to her and yourself now?”

“It’s time to be free. My ego wanted her to believe and her ego wouldn’t allow her to see or acknowledge it. A soul family member I met last year told me that she had decided not to play that game for herself. She has dedicated her life to her healing and healing of others. For myself, I have decided to let it be. To just be an observer, see the connection for what it is, and continue on my journey. That’s my way of setting myself free.”

“What do you wish would have happened differently?”

“For starters, not being the only one who could see. But I understand that I was meant to see it for myself at the time and that others weren’t. It was time for me to witness it and for me to awaken.

That realization helped me in giving up resistance to reality.”

“You gave up resistance?”

“Yes.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“I genuinely don’t know. A part of me just feels sad. But I know that letting go of resistance was the only path forward.”

“Why?”, she asked.

“I realized that was never in my control. I was trying to control something that was beyond me. That entire experience was beyond me. Someone once told me that the more I resist, the more I was delaying spiritual growth for everyone. I asked him how did it matter what I felt or thought when I wasn’t taking any action on it. But that wasn’t true. Just feeling the way I felt was enough. I didn’t understand him at that time but now I know what he meant. I was delaying the inevitable with my resistance and it wasn’t helping anyone. In a way, the more I resisted, the more delayed the process was going forward. And ever since that dream last year, things progressed fast.

Now, I won’t say that I am still not curious (curiosity is in my nature) but that need to resist or understand the why has started to fade. I don’t care anymore about what will happen in the future. I can just let it happen.

Once I reached that state, I started to witness a shift in myself and in my reality. I started laughing again after a long time. I felt happy again after a long time. That resistance to the inevitable was hampering my peace of mind too. Now I can leave in peace knowing that it had to happen and that there was nothing I could have done to change it. Maybe that was the whole point of it. For me to experience an awakening, heal parts of me that were ready to be healed and surrender.”

“If you’ve made peace with that truth, then, what are you scared of?”

“Spending an entire life not knowing if we took a wrong turn somewhere.

I wrote blog after blog in desperation because I didn’t know what else to do. I was purging but didn’t know whose emotions I was purging. The truth is I don’t know what was happening on the other side. Maybe nothing, maybe something. But at the time of writing those blogs, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was lying to myself. So I kept deleting those after feeling a shift in energy.”

“Is that what you feel that you were lying to yourself?”

“My faith tells me no and my brain & heart ask me to let it go. Then there is a small voice in my head that says maybe. And finally, another voice that tells me – It was what it was and it is what it is.”

“Is there anything that you wish you could have done differently?”

“Till a while back, I would have said there were plenty of things that I could have done differently. Like maybe writing these blogs was a mistake or confessing was a mistake or the way I reacted was a mistake. But, now, I wonder if it just had to happen the way it did. That doesn’t mean that I can’t learn from my mistakes but it just means that those mistakes also happened because they were meant to otherwise nothing else would have happened.”

“Do you have any regrets?”

“No regrets just a wish that things were different. It wasn’t an easy experience to live with. I was fighting my awakening by resisting but even surrendering to the truth felt like failing. It felt like if I surrendered then I was giving in and if I could keep fighting then I would have more control over the situation, over myself.

My awakening had started a long time back but that experience escalated with one incident and broke down all my barriers. It awakened parts of me that had been dormant for so many years and were just waiting to be seen. I honestly don’t know what I could have done differently except maybe listen to my teacher when he warned me. He had asked me not to express my truth but I think even that was meant to happen because otherwise, I would have dragged others with me. My intuition guided me to speak my truth and so I did.”

“Do you still hold anger for anyone?”

“No. There was only sadness underlying that anger but that anger itself has started to fade away. I thought holding onto that anger will make it easier for me to let it go. And in some ways, it helped. It made it a little easier for me to move on and witness my role in my suffering. But I am not angry anymore. Maybe just let down.

There was a lesson in that anger too. To take a stand for me. What’s meant to be will find a way to be. If I don’t value myself then no one will. I don’t need to appease others just so that they see my value and continue to love me. I can be assertive, take a stance for myself and still be compassionate toward both of us.

And that first panic attack was the start of what was to come. It was because of those circumstances that my awakening escalated in the first place and it brought me healing. And look at the kind of connections I made since then. I met Her, soulmates, some sort of a soul family member that got us both confused, and a stepmother from another lifetime who had entered my life a long time back but who I took a while to recognize. Do I wish it was a little more gentle? My God, yes. But there must be a reason there too. Like I couldn’t have appreciated all these connections as much as I did in such a small span had I not gone through that experience. Two years of crash course must be bringing me somewhere. I at least am aware of a part of my purpose now.”, I laughed.

“I am proud of how far you’ve come. How are the dreams now?”

“Better or at least I know how to deal with them in a better way. This week has been about purging repressed anger, resentment, and pain. Whose I don’t know.”

“Is there any other thing from that experience that you’re happy about?”

“I found God in my own way. I realized that they have been with me forever and I know now why I felt close to all Gods and places of worship. I also found clarity in my confusion around religions and feel freer. That topic of religion had once severely destroyed my faith and now I feel more grounded in my beliefs.

But most importantly, I feel like I finally stepped into my feminine energy, something that I had rejected while growing up so that I could protect myself. I let go of everything that I thought was associated with femininity because I thought those traits or characteristics made me weak. Then, I would oscillate between what I was taught was the right way to act as a woman and my inner fire which would show up as masculine to protect me from harming myself.

I can now see that I don’t have to choose. I can be a strong assertive woman. I can lead with compassion and be assertive about my truth. I don’t have to be one or the other. I can be both. That was the biggest gift that connection brought to me. Awakening me to my feminine.”

“You know when I first met you, I wondered to myself if you were non-binary or even trans. And over time, I have seen you step into your feminine energy more and more. It brings me so much peace and happiness for you. Can you see how you had to do it to protect yourself?”, she asked with a sense of pride in her voice.

“Yes, I had to suppress it so that I could survive and bring myself to a place where I could be free to be myself. That’s the freedom that I had been striving for all my life – the freedom to be my whole self. I was always this woman. I had just forgotten who I was because I constantly had to be in a survival mode where being myself was not safe.”, I spoke, realizing the gravity of the lesson with every word.

“If there is one thing that you could tell the version of you who was going through the spiritual awakening, what will it be?”

“Believe in yourself. When I asked my CST therapist if she thought I was disillusioned, she looked at me and told me that she trusts my intuition. It need not make sense but it was true. If she can trust me, then, I can learn to trust myself too.

When people initially told me I was gifted, I resisted and hated it. It felt like I was going to be too alone if I was so different from others. Now, I have started to accept those changes too. The answer was not to reject me but to choose people around me who were not afraid to love me for who I am. I just have to let them in.”

“Our sessions end today. Is there anything else that you’d like to let out?”

“Just a final learning – Surrender does not mean not taking an action. It just means not trying to control the situation. Keep doing your job and keep following your heart while loving every aspect of yourself. Be true to yourself. The kinder and loving you are to yourself, the freer you’ll be. Listen to your body and your heart. The more you are aligned with your truth, the faster things will fall in alignment or the harder it will be for you to be in situations that do not serve you anymore. Your body, heart, and soul will start to reject what’s not in your highest good. You just have to listen. If it’s meant to be, it will find a way to be. The more you surrender to yourself, the more awakened you’ll be.

I told my teacher that I was my own guide. Today, I realized how true it was. I am ready to let go of that final piece of resistance.”

“Finally, what did you decide about sending that letter?”, she asked.

“There’s nothing left to say. She now knows everything.”

– THE END