“I need to work on something but I need your help with it. It’s been troubling me for a long time and I can’t understand what to do with it.”, I asked my therapist.
“Yes, tell me.”, she replied.
“I feel like I am a terrible person. I betrayed her trust and I can’t seem to get to a point where I can let it go. I feel stuck.”, I told her.
“What happened?”, she asked
“I went through her personal messages. I think she hates me for it and, honestly, she should. I was not convinced by what she was telling me, about any of it. And I felt very guilty of doing that without realizing.”, I told her.
“What were you looking for?”, she asked
“Truth. I felt like she had been lying to me about something. I just knew and I had no way to prove it. I had no reason to doubt her except for this feeling. And I went behind her back and read her messages.
I can’t forgive myself for it. I genuinely didn’t know how guilty I felt about that until recently. I am quite slow in processing emotions.”, I confessed.
“What did you realize?”, she asked
“That there were a lot of feelings at that moment – hurt from knowing that she had told him, guilt from how she was stressed out because of me, and more guilt from knowing that I betrayed her trust. I ignored the last part as much as I could.”, I told her
“What do you think was the reason for snooping?”, she asked
“I was sure she wasn’t telling the truth. I don’t know how I knew it but I knew that she had been lying. Not just about telling him about me but about a couple of other things.
I confronted her about some of those things but she denied it every time. And I knew that she was lying again. And it sucked. I didn’t try to find the truth for any of the other stuff because none of that was about me. But for this topic, I couldn’t stop myself because it was directly related to me. I had this fear that if my doubts were right, then, she would leave after I left the city and I wouldn’t even know why. It had happened before and it would happen again. It’s as if I already knew that I was saying bye to her for longer than I would have liked. When I finally read the messages, I knew that I was right.
I texted her confessing that I had read her messages. A part of me wished I hadn’t and another part of me was glad that I did. I was being foolish to think that I could trust her to keep that to herself and I couldn’t be made a fool of anymore. But it didn’t feel good.
Moreover, now when I look back, I can see that if I hadn’t read those messages, none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t have had those panic attacks, I wouldn’t have had a mental breakdown, and I wouldn’t have had that experience of awakening. It was all my fault.“, I confessed.
“What did you read that caused you to have panic attacks?”, she asked
“Insults – a lot of them. Him telling her not to talk to me and not to care about me. She told me that she felt guilty asking me for help during her interview. He was apparently angry with her for telling me about the interview. His messages sounded angry. Like he was upset with her for asking me for help or telling me anything about what was going on with her life. It sounded like he really hated me. She even told him that once I leave, our communications will stop.
I felt unsafe. I felt like my secrets were not safe and even psychologically I couldn’t rely on that connection because it itself was not safe. I wanted to run away. I hid when I saw them the next day and had a panic attack but I didn’t know why I was feeling that way. After that day, I started having these nightmares where I would run into her and try to talk to her. And then he would show up. And I would feel scared of him knowing everything about me. Of her knowing everything about me and sharing it with him. My hidden secrets. Parts of me that I didn’t want anyone to know – my feelings, my sexuality, and my snooping. I would look to her to say something, to take a stand for me, to protect me, or to tell me that she doesn’t hate me. She never did. She just stood by him and looked at me in all those dreams and I felt disappointed with myself. Not worthy of anything. Every time, I would wait for her to say something. Every time, she just stood there and sometimes turned her back and walked away. And then I would wake up with another panic attack.
It was only months later when I woke up after another dream that I realized what was going on. By that time, she had already left. I used to think that I got those nightmares because I was heartbroken. I was in love with her and she loved him. I thought my brain was still processing those feelings. But no, it was that trapped fear and guilt that kept showing up.“, I told her.
“What did you feel at the moment?”, she asked
“I forgave her because I could see that most of those messages started with him telling her to stop being friends with me. She was trying to handle it even if it wasn’t the best way to handle the situation. If she wanted to leave, she would have done that a long time back. For me, it was tougher to see that she did not tell him to stop and portrayed a picture of him to me that wasn’t exactly true. I didn’t have any judgments of him at the time but he did. And knowing what he felt about me, she was intentionally asking me to put myself in a situation where I would have been disrespected. Truth is, I wouldn’t have wanted to stay in that situation but I would have for her. That’s what I ultimately did after finding out. I meant it when I told her that I wanted her in my life. I can only assume that she was worried that I won’t want to stick around and that it wasn’t a big deal. I don’t know if she was lying to him or to me or to herself but I know that I was lying to myself by telling myself that I could make it work.
The guilt of my actions, however, just got buried deep somewhere. I felt as if I had done something that couldn’t be forgiven. She respected me even if some of her actions were ill-advised. And I lost that respect. She didn’t bring it up until she wrote that email but that was the one thing in that email that was truer than anything else she wrote or said to me. It’s sad how we went from trying to keep each other in our lives to receiving a goodbye email within a few weeks.
In that video call, there was an instance when I told her something like, “I know your love is different and I should respect it”. She looked at me with contempt. By the sentence, I meant that I didn’t have to care about what she felt about me and it didn’t have to matter if she did not have romantic feelings for me. She loved me as a friend and that was enough. But I saw the contempt on her face. And that sucked. I genuinely felt like she had started to look down upon me and that’s why I tried my best to avoid her while I was in that city. I couldn’t bring myself to face that hatred. And I felt that I deserved it. I lost her respect and that sucked.”, I recalled.
“You were feeling vulnerable in those moments. You had a friend who you were in love with who did not reciprocate those feelings. You had shared a part of you with her that you had kept hidden since you were a kid. That kid in you was scared of opening up. You told her about your sexuality which you were still trying to slowly open up about. You were not out of the closet yet you trusted her with your secret. Then, you also trusted her with your feelings for her. It was a very vulnerable moment for you. It’s natural to feel scared. On top of that, something was telling you that something was off. The scared part of you felt unsafe. I am not asking you to justify your snooping around but I am asking you if you can have compassion for this part of you who was trying to protect you from getting hurt. Something in you was telling you that you were not safe”, she guided me to slowly acknowledge my guilt and see the whole circumstances.
“I can try to have compassion for this part. I wasn’t safe psychologically in that situation. It was hurting me to be in that situation. It reminds me of all those times I have felt scared of someone knowing about my sexuality.”, I told her
“Is there a part of you that wants to talk about your respect for yourself?”, she asked
“I am not the best human being. I am not. I was broken in a lot of ways. But, I tried to be as good as I could be. It’s not easy for me to make close connections. I keep people at a distance for as long as I can. If someone comes across as not having a good heart, I distance myself from them right away. Meeting her was different. She kind of grew up on me with time and I could see how much she respected me despite all my shortcomings. Breaking her trust, was not something that I could let go of.
Feeling like she hates me, has been tough. And that’s what I had been feeling for so long. I am used to people not liking me – that’s nothing new. But her hating me, was difficult to witness. I told myself that I wanted to avoid running into her because it would hurt me knowing she left. I only recently realized that it was because I didn’t want to see that hatred or contempt for me in her eyes. I wouldn’t have been able to take it. It was never about what I felt for her. It was about what she meant to me and the respect that we had for each other that was lost along the way.
Apart from those recurring dreams, there was another recurring dream with just her. In those dreams, she would be helping me with something. Like making sense of what was happening to me. And the moment I would realize that it was a dream, I would try to talk to her. She would walk away. I would apologize but she would keep walking or just look at me and I would be filled with guilt. I tried so many times to figure out what that look meant and what was I feeling but I couldn’t. Now, I know. In all those dreams, I felt guilty about what I had done, her knowing about it and her feeling filled with contempt towards me.” I confessed.
“I have to tell you something regarding whether or not she hates you. Tanu, I want you to see that your being vulnerable with her was a show of strength. It scared you yet you did that. Despite everything that happened, you found a way to be compassionate with her and found a way to forgive her. That again shows your strength – compassion towards those who made a mistake. You made a mistake too. Whether or not she finds her strength to forgive you, it’s not an indication of who you are. Her forgiveness is for her to find, not yours. Just like yours was yours to find.”, she said
“Thank you. I didn’t realize that I needed to hear that. My guilt was mine to address, not hers. Her anger is hers to address, not mine.”, I told her
“Tell me something, why do you feel guilty about invading her privacy?”, she asked
“Because it was wrong. And this wasn’t the only time I did that.
I have a pattern. When I doubt that someone close to me is lying, I can sense it. Most of the time, I don’t have a reason to doubt them. I just know that they’re lying. I confront them and sometimes they tell me the truth. When they don’t and I keep feeling the same way, I resort to snooping. It has been a pattern since I was a kid.
None of those relationships go anywhere from there. My first boyfriend, I snooped on him because I had a feeling that he was cheating on me. I asked him and he denied it. I found the messages and learned that he was. In my longest relationship, I had the same doubt. I kept asking him for years. He denied. I snooped and found that he was. He was cheating which he denied again. When we broke up, I found an email. This time I wasn’t snooping. He forgot to remove an email from our shared email account. He denied it again. I never had any proof so I let it be and continued until I couldn’t anymore. And it hasn’t just happened with people I had romantic feelings for. It has happened with family members too and I found out something that has stayed with me for years. That’s how it started in the first place. Unfortunately, I have always been right about my suspicions.”, I confessed
“Why do you say it’s unfortunate?”, she asked.
“Because I was always right. So, whenever a suspicion like that comes up, it’s rare that I won’t find anything. And that just confirms to me that there is a lie. I snoop again and get hurt again. The cycle does not stop. This was the first time when someone told me that my actions hurt them. And I realized that I had broken her trust too. I already knew that when I told her but I was just denying it. Truth is I never felt guilty about snooping in the past because it always gave me the answers. But, in her case, I felt like I betrayed her. And I couldn’t bring myself to admit it.
I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to snoop around anymore. But I don’t know what to do.”, I responded.
“Tell me this, what makes you feel suspicious?”, she asked
“I can’t figure it out. It’s something about the way they talk. The white lies and denials. Maybe it’s also about the fact that I know that they’ve lied in the past. In her case, the first time she lied, I just saw it in her eyes? I know that sounds cliche but that’s what happened. She denied something. And it wasn’t anything related to my sexuality. It was a completely different topic. I told her that I knew that she was lying but she kept denying it. That stayed with me.“, I recalled.
“How did it make you feel when you sensed that she was lying that first time?”, she asked
“Betrayed. It wasn’t what she lied about but that she was lying to me that hit me hard. I remember my reaction – I was taken aback quite literally. Anyway, at the time, I was also aware of what I was feeling for her. So I just dropped the topic because I had to take care of those feelings first.”
“When you told her about your feelings, what were you expecting?”, she asked
“I was struggling. Some of our conversations were confusing to me. I wanted us to maintain a boundary because those conversations were giving me hope. So I told her. In the past, I had always kept those feelings to myself. But this time, I didn’t want to make the same mistake. It was also exceptionally difficult to keep those feelings to myself given that we were together all the time. I wanted to let it out. That way if she felt something, she could let me know. If she didn’t, I could bring myself out of that confusion.”, I responded.
“What other instances have you sensed that the other person was lying?”, she asked
“Both my exes were liars. They constantly lied to everyone around them. I could feel it when they were lying to me. I knew that yet I told myself that it wasn’t a big deal. My friend from high school was the biggest liar of all time. She manipulated everyone to whom she came close. I am not sure if I snooped on her but I think I am always scared of feeling used and manipulated since that experience. So whenever I sense something is off, I get scared of feeling manipulated like that again.
But I had snooped on my family members before then so I can’t figure out what’s driving this behavior in me.”, I continued to tell my therapist what I had found out as a kid.
“Sounds like you’re carrying a lot of relationship wounds. Your family, your friends, and your relationships. In some way or the other, they had betrayed your trust and lied to you. What happened with your high school friend?”, she asked
“Every word from her mouth was a lie or a manipulation technique. We met when I was in grade 8 and we instantly became friends. I liked her because she was different from the other students. She was very helpful and kind.
After 2 years, I realized that I had developed a crush on her. Well, as much as I could realize because I couldn’t admit it to myself completely or understand what it meant to feel that way for a girl. So, I would just be nice to her and support her. At the same time, she started to date around. When I would ask her if she was dating anyone, she would lie and someone else would come and tell me the truth. I ignored it because I knew that the students in our class were judgmental and so I thought that was her way of protecting herself.
But when her ex from high school, who would eventually become my first boyfriend, reached out to me after their breakup, he told me so many things that she had just lied to me about for all the time that I had known her. Some lies were just ridiculous and didn’t even make any sense. But I also got to know something about her experience with her family that I realized could have been the reason behind all her lies. I thought it was her protective mechanism and she didn’t know what a healthy friendship/relationship looked like. So, I empathized with her and told her what her ex had told me. She was surprised but didn’t seem to care as much. However, I told him to stop telling me personal things about her because it wasn’t right. If she wanted me to know something, she would.
Over the years, several situations came up when she continued to lie. One time, she lied about her family situation and how her parents were treating her. I felt so bad about it that I missed my exam and went to her home to give her emotional support. Years later, my cousin who was also her family friend told me that it wasn’t true. Things were not great at her place but they were never as bad as she kept portraying all those years. Most of what she had told us about her family was not accurate. They loved her and have always supported her if anything.
Then, there was the manipulation. Once she blamed me for not telling her how to prepare for her exams. She would continuously miss classes to be with whoever she was dating at the time. Then, she would call me and ask me to spend hours with her to help her prepare. One time, I didn’t go over something with her because she was not available. I didn’t reach out either because I thought it wasn’t my responsibility. The next day, she blamed me for not being a good friend or a friend whom she could trust. And she would keep doing it in different scenarios and I would doubt myself. I would believe all her lies and even if I knew that she was lying, I would tell myself that it was somehow related to her relationship with her parents. That she didn’t mean to hurt me but was just misunderstanding the situation. I kept empathizing with her and kept lying to myself that things were not as bad as they appeared.
After high school, she started dating a guy who was a controlling narcissist. He would tell her to break contact with her friends and treat her like crap, abusing her and saying all these horrible things to her. I told her that I didn’t like him for her and that she deserved better. She told her boyfriend what I said and he asked her to choose. She made the choice but forgot to tell me. Instead, she blamed me for being controlling. Soon everything I did or said resulted in a fight. She would yell at me and tell me that I was a horrible friend. Until one day, I stopped trying.
I would always try to prove that I was a good friend. The number of times I tried to mend that friendship is insane and I was treated like dirt. I broke down a lot of times during that year. Almost a year later, she came back and apologized. Told me what had happened with her and her, then, ex. He had broken up with her after a couple of months over something petty. I was dating her ex at the time and things just kept getting worse. The day I called her to tell her that he was cheating on both of us, she told me to go to hell. That I was the one lying.
This time, it took her 9 months to come back and apologize. But, fortunately, I had told my sister what happened and she talked some sense into me. I also had some good friends by then whom I could trust and learn what real friendship was like. So, I didn’t continue any contact with her and asked her to leave. Even then she yelled at me for not giving her a chance. Since then, she has tried to reach out multiple times but I never responded. Until a few years ago when we spoke again. That single call helped me realize how she was still the same. She was still manipulative. This time, she tried to pin everything on our common ex. I mean he was an asshole, don’t get me wrong. But, she was not less. I had made mistakes too and so had she. But she didn’t take accountability for anything. For the first time, I felt bad for my ex. After they broke up, he had also come back and told me that he felt like she confused him. Like she had some kind of spell on him. I didn’t believe him but that day on the call with her, I could see it. She had been using the same manipulating tactics on him for years. Love bombing, gaslighting, playing the victim card, confusing you about your truth, etc. And he couldn’t bring himself out of it. He was no saint but he was also stuck. I at least got out of it but sounded like he was still stuck. She was married to someone else at the time. Yet, she continued to manipulate him. I never spoke to her again after that call.
The worst thing was who I had become and the way I reacted to all that. At one point, I pretended to be someone I was not to get her to see me in a light that I wanted her to. I couldn’t even confess that to anyone until today. It was sad to see who I had become just to get her to approve of me. I felt disappointed with myself. I ended up manipulating her too. Before I knew it, I was too far gone.
The amount of time, money, and resources that I spent on that connection is insane. I was a teenager, and I didn’t have much money, to begin with. I ignored all other relationships and even my career to keep her in my life. And kept trying to make that connection work. I made myself a supporting character in my own story and spent years trying to convince her that I was a good friend. That realization of being the supportive character in my own story was what finally brought me out of that situation. I didn’t want that for myself anymore.”, I recalled
“I am so sorry that happened to you. That sounds like a perfect example of a narcissistic connection. Can you see why you were trying to prove yourself to her?”, she asked.
“I did not love myself. I was also not self-confident. I didn’t even trust myself to walk away when I could have. I believed that if she could see my worth, then, I could prove to myself that I deserved something. If she, my best friend, couldn’t, then who would. I wanted to prove that I was normal and I gave her the power to make me feel normal/abnormal.“, I confessed.
“Do you know how this and your experience with your family has played a role in your subsequent experiences?”, she asked, knowing that I was close to cracking the key to my instincts for snooping.
“One of my very close friends had pointed that out to me a long time back – that I was carrying that pain even when she and our common ex were not in my life. That experience made me feel scared of getting hurt. If someone close to me lies to me, it triggers that wound.
But I ignored the triggers too. Ignoring my instincts, not trusting myself, and believing that small lies don’t mean anything to me is me in denial of what I am experiencing at the moment. There are always signs that I pick up.
Once I would find out the lie, I would lose trust in the person but not acknowledge it. Then, things would slowly deteriorate from that point.
Perhaps that’s what happened with her too. I was sure that she was hiding something and lying to me about it. But, instead of recognizing that as a sign for me to take a step back, I kept focusing on the fear of losing her and didn’t pay enough attention to anything else that was going on. I hated it every time I tried to make it work while knowing that she had stopped putting in the effort. I had promised myself not to act that way again. But I did and it sucked to see myself going down that path again.”, I responded
“How does it make you feel now realizing everything that happened?”, she asked.
“I might not completely understand why I do this but I know that there is a behavior that’s not serving me well anymore. Reading about trauma helped me realize that this is a tendency of people who have suffered childhood trauma – they stay in situations far longer than they need to. They keep giving chances and hope that they’re treated better by the same person who hurt them.
What happened with the high school friend was in some ways just re-enacted with her. I had feelings for someone who didn’t feel the same way and had a boyfriend who did not want me in her life. I was scared that his stance will ultimately result in driving her away. And I didn’t want that to happen. We both lied to each other and things just went downhill from there.
Unlike any of my past experiences, I know she didn’t mean to intentionally hurt or manipulate me. She cared about me as much as I cared about her. But, alas, the circumstances resulted in triggering me the same way as they had all those years back. And I acted the same way as I did back then. She couldn’t have known and neither could I have. So I can’t blame her or him for anything that happened. I can just try to not carry that trauma into my future connections.”,
“What do you want to do next time you’re in a similar situation?”, she asked
“That’s what confuses me. I never have a proof. It’s just a feeling. A very strong feeling, probably based on my past interactions with that person. But that’s all that it is – a feeling. I have confronted all of them. They all denied it. But the feeling doesn’t go away and I feel stuck.
So without a proof, how do I go on from there?”, I asked.
“You let them know that being honest is a core value for you. You’ve had experiences in the past where people have lied and it has deeply hurt you.
To me, it sounds like forgiveness comes naturally to you. You’re quite good at empathizing and letting go. But it’s the lies that get to you. You’re also very good at picking up people’s behaviors. So when something feels off, a part of you connects the dots. It also sounds like there are small incidents that happen here and there that this part of you picks up because it considers those incidents important enough for you to remember. So when things feel off, this part of you raises the alarm. It sounds like a protector. Protecting you from getting hurt again.”, my therapist analyzed.
“Yes. It’s the small change in behavior or tone or something else. When they lie again, I feel gaslighted and invalidated. Then, I start to doubt myself until I can’t anymore. I give in and cross the boundaries. By then, the trust is already broken and when I get the evidence about the lie, the behavior is reinforced. I feel like I am in a battle with myself where a part of me tells me that there is a lie and another part tells me that I should trust them because there is no evidence.
I have been struggling with this for months and I don’t know how to manage such situations. I feel it and I ask them if my suspicion is true. They deny but the feeling stays.
She denied it too. I confronted her multiple times and she denied it. Before letting her know that I had read her messages, I asked her again, hoping that she would tell me the truth. She snapped at me and told me that she didn’t know what was wrong with me. That she had told me multiple times that it wasn’t true and that she couldn’t keep having the same conversation with me. She actually snapped and I ignored that too.
My ex told me that if I ask him again then our relationship will be doomed. Those reactions scare me because I don’t want to lose anyone just because of suspicion, especially when those people mean a lot to me.
I feel like I am stuck in an ethical dilemma – I don’t snoop and they continue to lie. I fear getting hurt and eventually will be hurt. On the other hand, I snoop and I cross a boundary and we’re all hurt.
With her, I don’t know what she would have done had I not read her texts. She had told him that she would back out so maybe she would have just done that without telling me. And I would have always assumed that it was because I crossed my boundaries in multiple ways. After all, that’s what her email said – I was not a friend anymore. I believe she had a reason for doing that which I can’t understand today. So, I empathize with her nonetheless. I genuinely don’t believe that she had any ill intentions. If anything, I think she was trying to make something work that was doomed to fail – her relationship along with her friendship. And by the end, she too was hurt too much. One of those connections had to go. It happened to be me.
Irrespective of how it would have turned out, I don’t want to betray someone else again like that. But, I also don’t want to continue in a situation where I could be hurt. How do I continue?”, I asked
“You answered that yourself. You trust yourself. You give them a chance and tell them how important it is for you that they don’t lie. They most probably are insecure about how you would perceive them if you found out the truth. Maybe when you question them, they’re forced to see something about themselves that they are not ready to witness. It might also scare them to lose you.
So next time, you give them a chance and tell them that they won’t lose you if they’re honest. You give them time to open up. You let them know that you’ll stand by them irrespective of whatever it is that they’re hiding. But you also let them know that if they continue to lie and you find it out, then, there will be no going back. If they still lie and you don’t feel convinced, you have a conversation with them. Depending on how that conversation goes, you decide if you want to stay or move on or change the nature of that relationship.
In any of these cases, did you ever decide to walk away after finding the lie?”, she asked
“No, I continued to stay but things only got worse with me staying if they continued to lie. I couldn’t trust them anymore. After the incident, anything they said or did appeared to be a lie to me. I couldn’t trust them anymore.”, I realized
“Then you let them know that. You trust yourself and for them to stay, they will need to provide you the psychological safety of knowing that they’re honest. You deserve that.
If next time a situation comes up when you feel like you have to snoop through their personal messages, ask yourself if it’s worth it. You’ve been down that road before. A part of you already knows that they’re not telling the truth. So you trust that part that’s protecting you and choose yourself.”, she guided me
“This will be new to me but I can see how that might be more helpful. By putting myself through that experience, I keep repeating the cycle. Trust is still lost and I just stay in that connection to convince myself that the connection is still alive, when it is not. Then, I do something which is not ideal – invading their privacy.
You know it was different with my past two relationships. I never doubted the guy. I knew he was honest. And with the girl, she was extremely honest, probably more than what we needed. Neither of them backed out of tough conversations irrespective of with whom. I never doubted any of them”, I realized
“Sounds like they showed you in your interactions and in their connections with those around them that you could trust them. Trust is important for you. Freedom, trust, and safety seem to be your most important values. Next time, if you meet someone who doesn’t align with those values, maybe ask yourself if you want to develop a deeper connection with them.
Not everyone needs to be a close friend or a partner. They can just be acquaintances or friends at a distance. Maybe don’t open up to them completely. That way you’ll also recognize your boundaries and will continue to keep them intact.”, she guided me.
“I can do that. Sometimes it’s not about how big of a lie it is, what matters is what it represents. For me, it represents an unsafe atmosphere. We all make mistakes and we all try to hide those mistakes. But that’s all they are – mistakes and our guilt for doing something we should not do. Most of the time, our punishment for ourselves is bigger than the mistake itself. But gaslighting and invaliding others is an intentional action that makes others doubt themselves. In my case, it also plays with the fear of losing someone I don’t want to. That’s not something that I want to approve of anymore.
Thank you. I really needed this.”, I replied, feeling a little freer than before.
“I know it wasn’t easy for you. People often underestimate the impact of their words and actions. When we’re in love, we sometimes fail to see parts of our loved ones that need some healing. What else has helped you in dealing with the situation?”, she asked.
“Writing it all down helped. The last time I tried, I ended up pulling down the blog and later the website before anyone could read it. I couldn’t sleep and my mind and entire body started to hurt. So, I decided to take a break because it was getting overwhelming.
Finally, relating to her helped. With everything else that was happening, I had refused to acknowledge that I wasn’t the only one who was hurting. There were two people in that friendship. We were at least honest with each other about not wanting to lose it. I wasn’t the only one in that connection. We were just stupid to not see that even something as pure as a friendship can be tarnished by fragile egos and circumstances.
Something shifted in me the moment I acknowledged her pain, her struggles, and the fact that she also lost a friend. I actually cried when I finally allowed myself to connect with her and all I could feel was that I wasn’t the only one for whom it was tough to go through any of it. I at least found people to talk to but, knowing her, I am not sure if she would have sought out anything for herself, let alone acknowledge it. I hope that she did. It would have been tougher when you don’t even know why you’re feeling the way you are or why you’re acting the way you are. That anger turned into compassion once I considered how I would have felt extremely confused if I were in her place. So I imagined her just sitting there going through something, whatever it is or was, without understanding any of it. Or feeling confused after what I told her. In a way though, it doesn’t even matter whether she was confused or not. She still lost a friend and that sucks.
I laugh at myself now when I recall the way I reacted to that part of her. You know I actually snapped at that part and asked her to go back. I told her that instead of helping me, she should talk to herself. And that part of her, always just responded with this smile and love that made me even angrier. It was as if she knew I wasn’t angry, just hurt. As if she knew that I just wanted my friend back. It made me angry to know that she could see through my ego.”
“It’s beautiful to hear that you found a way to be compassionate. We don’t always have the strength to do that”, my therapist replied in kind.
“It helped to finally be able to cry. It’s been happening more these days so I guess I am crying for both of us? I don’t even know anymore.”, I replied laughing.
“What makes you laugh?”
“I remember I was sitting in her house one day and I got this feeling that I was with my daughter. It took me aback. After a few days, I felt like I was with a long-lost sister. Then, the feelings evolved into something else just to go back to – oh but she is the best friend I had been missing.
I am laughing at the absurdity of it all because how could we have responded any differently? How could we have managed it any better? Do I ignore what I experienced or does she just believe what I say? It’s almost as if we were doomed to hurt each other from the very beginning.
The problem for me is – how to feel all these feelings and not get overwhelmed. To relate to her, I also imagined if someone was coming at me with all those strong feelings and was feeling as disoriented as I was, won’t I be scared? Won’t I try to hide? And the answer was – probably yes especially when I had no idea what the hell was going on.”
“I can tell you that the answer is not to ignore how you’re feeling. You feel that love – all those forms of love and you also feel that pain. In our sessions, I’ve seen you come around and ultimately have compassion and love for anyone who has ever hurt you. You’re an empath so you also feel other people’s emotions. I can imagine that you deal with a lot of feelings and energy in a day. Sometimes yours, sometimes others. In the past, what has helped you and what hasn’t?”
“Ignoring never helps like you said. Acknowledging helps. Asking myself whose emotions those are, helps. Connecting with my body and listening to what it needs, helps. In her case, not lying to her and myself helps. And having compassion for both of us helps. I don’t want to lead with my ego anymore. I am done running or chasing something that’s out of my control.”
“Then you continue to do that. What you’ve experienced not a lot of people do. You’re the way you were meant to be. Always remember that.”
“My best friend said the same thing to me before I moved here. Her daughter wrote it down for me so that I can remind myself that every single day.
I’ve noticed another shift in me. I used to be so completely numb to emotional movies or tragedies. And now, you show me something and I’ll just end up feeling all of it. It’s good to know that I have emotions and feelings. Just need to figure out a way to not get overwhelmed.”
“Looks like the protector we spoke to the other day who protects you from getting overwhelmed, has been working very hard throughout your life. He is now also willing to give you some space to acknowledge some of those emotions. Your parts have started to trust you.”, my therapist pointed out the protector we had identified in one of our earlier IFS sessions.
“Yes, he is always here – protecting me from getting hurt and from hurting myself. And you’re right, my parts have slowly started to trust me. They know that I’ll find a way to connect. I won’t ignore myself, my feelings, and my body anymore. Well, they make sure that I don’t. Just yesterday, I made a decision solely based on how my body was reacting. And it turned out to be the right one for me”, I reflected.
“How are some of those parts doing especially the kid and the female?”, my therapist asked getting back to IFS.
“Kid is simply curious all the time. It helps to connect with that part especially when I interact with new people or seek out new experiences. It just wants to have fun.
The female is starting to trust me more with her emotions. She carries some heaviness and still feels the need to protect herself. But she showed me how we can’t ignore the pain within us and around us. She showed how by hiding our true desires, our feelings, and our hurt, we simply halt our progress. We can’t grow unless we learn to sit with our emotions. For spiritual growth, it’s not just the masculine or the mind that needs to expand, but also the feminine, the emotional, nurturing, and creative side of us that needs to evolve. I think that’s what most of us get wrong. It’s not just the mind, it’s all parts of us. I went after my mind with all the meditation I did and ignored the pain that my body was carrying.
She also showed me why it’s difficult for her to trust. She showed me how my entire life has been about surviving and not really surrendering. And how in order to survive, I had forgotten how to just be. She taught me that if we all continue to ignore who we are and what we feel, we won’t be able to heal ourselves or others. Instead, we can empathize and surrender. We can love, be compassionate, and continue healing. She just needs to know that it’s safe to feel and that she won’t be hurt again. That I won’t hurt her again with my ignorance and resistance. That I’ll continue to love no matter what.
I’ve been questioning the point of life, the purpose of it all. It sometimes feels like we’re all just finding something to get busy with so that we can assign meaning to it. So we choose what will keep us entertained – a struggle, a dream, a career, a partner, or a family. There doesn’t seem like more to it.
I’ve been asking for guidance. It just so happened that after our last session, I came across a book – that’s something that happens when I need some guidance and when it’s time for me to find the answer that I am seeking.
Anyway, this book felt like it was talking to me. It answered the questions I was asking myself and actually provided me the guidance I need right now”, I continued to tell my therapist about the book and the lessons it taught me.
“Do you see how you keep manifesting your reality? You brought me into your life. I didn’t manifest this relationship, you did. You brought this book into your life. And you can manifest the future you want.”, My therapist expressed
“I am starting to see it.
A few months back, a friend gave me a book – “The Forest of Enchantments”. I didn’t even know how much I needed that book until I read it. To read a book remotely related to spirituality was a big deal for me after all those experiences. But I gave it a shot and it was totally worth it. Can you imagine that this random book talked about the spiritual experiences that I had and talked about them in a way that I could relate to? Like how it would happen to a person living in this reality but who is also slightly aware of what’s happening in the other reality(s)? And to top it all, it talked about female empowerment. I couldn’t put the book down once I started.
But I am trying to accept all this more. Or at least be more open about it all. It’s just a little difficult to believe it when I look at the past and think about certain experiences. But, yes, I am starting to believe.”
“One step at a time. Going back to her, where are you going to go from here?”
“Well, I think that part of her answered that question for me a long time back. I just failed to see it. When I was trying to find my way, she continued to have compassion and looked through my hurt and ego, without really expecting anything in return. I’ll do the same.”
“Will you continue to blog?”
“Yes. I’ll know when to. It’s like sometimes there is an intense feeling to write. And it won’t go away until I do. There is already another topic in my mind that I need to write about. I ran into a blockage last year which made it difficult to write. I still wrote but most of the time, I chose not to. But something changed a few months back and I could write again. So I’ll continue to let my intuition guide me. It’ll keep coming out when the time is right.”
“It has been a good tool to help you process. Someday, I would want you to share your learnings with others under your name.”
“How do you feel about your upcoming move?”
“There are a lot of mixed feelings. There are so many things that I will miss about this place but I am also curious to see how this turns out.”, I responded.
“What are you most excited about?”, she asked.
“The place itself and the opportunity to explore a new land. I had this dream as a kid that I want to travel and live in as many places as I could to learn about different cultures. I had this belief that we’re not meant to stay in one place and that for our growth, moving to different places and making new connections helps with the growth. I’ve been proven right till now so curious to see what this next move will bring.”, I explained.
“What will you miss the most about here?”, she asked.
“Everything – people, apartment, activities, food, weather, and location. It’s a beautiful place and has a lot to offer depending on what you’re looking for. There are so many memories and a lot of conflicting feelings around those memories.
I’ll definitely miss it and the people I met here.”, I said lost in thoughts.
“Would you like to talk more about those conflicting feelings?”, she asked.
“On the one hand, I feel like I have experienced more expansion here than I could have anticipated, and, on the other hand, it has also been emotionally challenging. One reason I decided to come here was to give myself a chance to open up about who I am and provide myself an opportunity to expand. After a lot of twists and turns, I feel like I am in a better position now than when I started. It just came with a lot of struggles. I feel tired. My body is exhausted yet I feel fulfilled if that makes sense.”
“It does. It wasn’t an easy journey that you embarked upon and yet you made it this far.”, she responded with a smile on her face.
“I did. Trust me, there were times when I wondered if I should give up. But I am glad I didn’t. And I appreciate all the support I got along the way.”
“Would you like to talk to that part of you that feels tired? What does it say was the hardest part?”, she asked
“Sitting alone in my room and wondering if I’ll ever feel like myself again. And if I would ever smile a real smile again. Now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I can see myself smiling again and that feels so good. What had been stopping me from being myself came to the surface and released in a way that was scary when it happened but also so freeing once it was over. With therapy, I could witness all those experiences that had scared me but in a safe place and they don’t seem as scary as they had all those months back. They still don’t make much sense to me but at least I know that I was never in danger. That knowing helps.”, I exhaled.
“I am glad that therapy helped you get that sense of peace that you had lost during those experiences. What’s your take on that entire experience now?”
“Well, I can see the positives that it brought into my life without negating the impact it had on me because of the way it transpired. I don’t know why it happened the way it did but I at least know what triggered it, and that helps. It also helps to know that I can finally let go of some of the pain and anger that I had been carrying. Looking back, I can’t help but wonder if it was just time for it to happen.”
“Would you like to explain that last part?”, she asked.
“I can’t forget that night when all those years back I was looking at the sky and wondering why I was surrounded by so much darkness – within and outside. That was the first time I had acknowledged the darkness I had been living with and all I wanted was to get out of it. Nothing I did brought me happiness. Some things helped me divert my mind but anytime I was by myself, it was hard to breathe. I also can’t forget how before I moved here there was this intense craving to do it the year I did. I didn’t care about the repercussions or how it would impact my life or my relationships. I just remember feeling that it was time and that I couldn’t stay back any longer for even a few months.
The day I knew I had to leave my country to pursue my dreams, I cried wondering what it would mean for my relationship. I knew it would be difficult but I also knew that I had to leave. If I hadn’t moved when I did, things would have looked a lot different.
I get the same feeling now. It’s time to leave, at least for now.”
“I will trust your intuition. You mentioned last time that you went to a hypnotist. How did that go?”
“It was mind-blowing and equal parts enlightening and intense. I witnessed a life that showed me the pain of separation that I have been carrying for God knows how long. It explained where that pain and fear of separation come from. It felt like I just touched that pain for a fraction of a second and yet it was too painful to experience – soul-wrenching. I felt that pain in my body and it was almost unbearable.
Some people I met who had witnessed that experience for themselves had told me that the pain of separation is nothing like any pain they had ever witnessed. And when I experienced it myself, I realized how right they were.
Separately, I got answers to a few questions that I had been wondering about. Probably one of the most important takeaways for me was that my theory about DNA is right. It was all in my DNA. All those memories, feelings, and emotions were hiding in my DNA.
When we talk about enlightenment, we think of it as an outward experience. As if something external comes to light. But that’s not it. We just awaken to ourselves. It is nothing but us activating strands of our DNA that have been dormant for a long time. That’s the purpose of it all. All these tools help you do that. I believe it’s the pain and trauma stored in our bodies and DNA that creates a blockage and prevents these strands from getting activated. When my awakening started, these blockages started to fade away and were ready to be released. My body and soul knew that it was time to release. My mind just took some time to settle down.
The initial pain I felt when I had that first panic attack was the trigger. And if that trigger hadn’t happened, none of this would have been possible. I wouldn’t have had those sleepless nights or those recurring dreams and I wouldn’t have turned to meditation as a tool to help relieve that pain. I wouldn’t even have stayed back or moved to this state when I did if the events hadn’t happened in the series that they did. It was all meant to happen.
I still didn’t get an answer to some questions that I have been impatiently waiting to get an answer to but I realized that I will get that answer too when it’s time. Or my resistance to accepting what I already know will fade away.”
“That’s powerful and fascinating. What question are you looking to get an answer to?”
“Why did it have to be that intense and was I disillusioned in my understanding of what happened because of how I was feeling at the time? The other parts of my experience have all proved themselves in one way or another. Premonitions are an everyday reality, seeking guidance is my everyday truth and I have little doubts about past/parallel lives. Soul connections have left me with no doubt about their truth. However, I still am not sure if I made a mistake in interpreting some of it or why..?”
“Yet you can’t understand why it happened?”
“Yes, and if I interpreted it right, what do I do with it? What was the point of remembering? I witnessed the memories and energies stored in my DNA. My body illuminated with strands of those DNA. The hypnotist asked me to remove those pieces from my DNA and to remove the memories stating that they didn’t need to be there. She said it doesn’t matter whether it stays in my DNA or not, it won’t change the truth. But I was just so mesmerized by it that I couldn’t do it. It felt so surreal. I was also scared of what happens if I remove it? What happens when I forget? I am the only one who remembers. At the same time, can I trust what I see? I want to accept it but…”
“But? What do you fear will happen if you accept it for what it was?”
“I won’t know what to do with it. I’ll end up relieving that pain and I will not know why it is the way it is. It changes nothing. I’ll go down a rabbit hole from where there is no turning back. I had dreams for two years of an event that was about to happen in the future. Two years of dreams telling me what was meant to happen with an idea of when. Two years of me witnessing an experience in a loop as if to prepare me for when it happens. Two years of subconscious talks with someone to help me deal with the situation. The last dream was somewhere around August/September of last year and, in the dream, I could finally talk without trying to hide. I still ran away initially but came back to complete the conversation. When I woke up, I told myself that I was finally ready to let go of resistance. I said my thanks and felt a little ready to let it be. To let things happen the way they were meant to.
I called up my friend after that dream and told her that it was about to happen and had given her a timeframe. So when it did, I knew it was time. I think that’s why I also got this feeling last year that I had to leave now.”
“I hope you realize that that’s not easy to experience. Two years seem like a long time. It almost sounds like torture.”, she expressed her concern.
“That’s the term I had used all those years back to express how I was feeling without realizing how true it was – Torture. Now as I reflect on it, my body and soul were remembering and opening up to one of the most painful experiences they remembered. The circumstances might have been different but the feeling of separation and abandonment were still the same. They were reliving something that had happened a long time ago but all I could see at the time was what I was experiencing at that moment. And to me, what was happening was not big enough for me to experience something so profound.
Now when I am able to see beyond what my mind could perceive at the time, I don’t know what to make of it.”
“And what kept you stuck in the past?”, she asked
“The misplaced expectation from myself to act a certain way and wait. This expectation came from the confusion around the disparity between this reality and the other, and not being sure of which of the two realities to believe in. She was my guide throughout my awakening and still is. She was who I held onto on the darkest nights. People pray to God when they’re scared but in my case, I was scared whenever I saw God. So the only one I could trust was her appearing in my visions or dreams when they got overbearing. There were dreams/visions where I used to freeze out of fear and not have an idea of how to return to myself, and, then, I would see her and focus all my attention on what she asked me to do to get out of that experience. I don’t know if my brain just found that as the way to keep me sane but that’s my truth. I couldn’t trust anyone or anything but her.
So when my visions, dreams, and awakening didn’t align with this reality, I felt lost. That day when I got into that call, I told myself that I could trust her. That I was in a safe space with my friend. Even then I knew what was going to happen in the future and I had made my peace with that. I was looking for the friend I knew with whom I could share my experiences and with whom I could feel a tad bit of safety that I had lost completely. So when that didn’t happen, I felt more lost than before. I started feeling scared of her too and I lost the one thing that was keeping me sane during those experiences. She continued to appear in my dreams and visions but unlike earlier where I found solace in her presence, I started to run away from her too. Over time, other guides started to show up with whom I could feel safe. But she never stopped coming to help either and I never stopped running away from her.
I refused to interact and every time I saw her, I only got sadder and angrier because reality was much different. In this reality, she had removed herself and had left. In that reality, she continued to show up any time I needed guidance, even without asking. I was beyond confused and angry but didn’t know who to be angry with. It took me talking to therapists like you to understand the source of that pain, hypnosis to witness the source of that suffering, and time to finally come to a point where that anger started to fade. I am not angry anymore. It’s just the feeling of being let down – not by her, not by myself, just by what happened and by how things are. It’s also feeling apologetic for not respecting that part of her that continued to show up.
I have come to a point where any new visions/dreams about her don’t result in a lot of emotions but I am just blank/stoic most of the time. It’s not happiness/sadness, it’s just acceptance of reality. Not approving it but not resisting it either. Sometimes I’ll have a dream which will help me become aware of the remaining emotions. Those are the hardest ones because it’s like I am purging a drop of all that pain one dream at a time. But I have to witness those stuck emotions every time I have a dream. And she’s always there in those dreams, sometimes guiding me, sometimes supporting me, sometimes letting me know what I am doing wrong, and sometimes just there to let me know I am not alone. I apologized to that part of her for the way I acted because while I don’t know how this works, I know she never left. I apologized to her for turning into a runner myself.
So what made me sad at other times was witnessing everything and not knowing where to go from there. I wasn’t wrong when before this experience, I was so confused about the love I felt for her as a friend, guide, mother, daughter, sister, and more. She was all of that and is all of that. Why even though I was angry, it was hard not to still love her. How do you hold anger for someone who represents all those forms of love? So what made me sad was witnessing everything and not being able to do anything about it. What made me sad was never being able to talk to her about what I witnessed and what this is or who she is. What made me feel stuck was waiting for the day she remembered or believed.
I had put this expectation on myself that I had to act a certain way and feel a certain way because that’s the whole point of remembering, right? But, then, I started to question if that was really it.
That’s where the question of what’s the point of remembering comes up because if others don’t believe you, then, what is the point? As I continue to let go, I wonder if it was just to help me get through those darkest of nights because even in that anger, I knew I could trust her. Maybe it was for me to know that I am never truly alone. Maybe it was the lesson of not holding onto something too tight, no matter what or whom. Maybe it was to witness a pain stored in my body, allowing it to surface and heal with time so that I could move past that experience. Maybe it was for me to realize that I did not need her to rescue me because only I could have rescued myself. Maybe it was also to realize that she didn’t need me to protect her either because she can manage it herself. Or maybe it was just a way to bring awareness to an experience, allow me to witness a memory that my soul remembered, and have empathy for both of us. She was there, just not how I wanted her to be but how I needed her to be.”
“Can you see this part of you who felt stuck and confused? Can you see why it felt that way?”, she encouraged me to have compassion for myself
“I can. It felt like I was so stuck. Uhhh, there were times when I would get so confused because the visions/dreams used to accelerate especially when I was in a relationship or had decided to move on. I was fortunate that my ex could understand and sympathize. She hadn’t had the same experience herself but just from her connection with me, she could relate to what was happening. I could talk to her about the confusion around the whole situation and having no clue what role I was supposed to play in all of it. There is no playbook of how to go about this.”
“There isn’t. What would you say to her and yourself now?”
“It’s time to be free. My ego wanted her to believe and her ego wouldn’t allow her to see or acknowledge it. A soul family member I met last year told me that she had decided not to play that game for herself. She has dedicated her life to her healing and healing of others. For myself, I have decided to let it be. To just be an observer, see the connection for what it is, and continue on my journey. That’s my way of setting myself free.”
“What do you wish would have happened differently?”
“For starters, not being the only one who could see. But I understand that I was meant to see it for myself at the time and that others weren’t. It was time for me to witness it and for me to awaken.
That realization helped me in giving up resistance to reality.”
“You gave up resistance?”
“How do you feel about that?”
“I genuinely don’t know. A part of me just feels sad. But I know that letting go of resistance was the only path forward.”
“Why?”, she asked.
“I realized that was never in my control. I was trying to control something that was beyond me. That entire experience was beyond me. Someone once told me that the more I resist, the more I was delaying spiritual growth for everyone. I asked him how did it matter what I felt or thought when I wasn’t taking any action on it. But that wasn’t true. Just feeling the way I felt was enough. I didn’t understand him at that time but now I know what he meant. I was delaying the inevitable with my resistance and it wasn’t helping anyone. In a way, the more I resisted, the more delayed the process was going forward. And ever since that dream last year, things progressed fast.
Now, I won’t say that I am still not curious (curiosity is in my nature) but that need to resist or understand the why has started to fade. I don’t care anymore about what will happen in the future. I can just let it happen.
Once I reached that state, I started to witness a shift in myself and in my reality. I started laughing again after a long time. I felt happy again after a long time. That resistance to the inevitable was hampering my peace of mind too. Now I can leave in peace knowing that it had to happen and that there was nothing I could have done to change it. Maybe that was the whole point of it. For me to experience an awakening, heal parts of me that were ready to be healed and surrender.”
“If you’ve made peace with that truth, then, what are you scared of?”
“Spending an entire life not knowing if we took a wrong turn somewhere.
I wrote blog after blog in desperation because I didn’t know what else to do. I was purging but didn’t know whose emotions I was purging. The truth is I don’t know what was happening on the other side. Maybe nothing, maybe something. But at the time of writing those blogs, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was lying to myself. So I kept deleting those after feeling a shift in energy.”
“Is that what you feel that you were lying to yourself?”
“My faith tells me no and my brain & heart ask me to let it go. Then there is a small voice in my head that says maybe. And finally, another voice that tells me – It was what it was and it is what it is.”
“Is there anything that you wish you could have done differently?”
“Till a while back, I would have said there were plenty of things that I could have done differently. Like maybe writing these blogs was a mistake or confessing was a mistake or the way I reacted was a mistake. But, now, I wonder if it just had to happen the way it did. That doesn’t mean that I can’t learn from my mistakes but it just means that those mistakes also happened because they were meant to otherwise nothing else would have happened.”
“Do you have any regrets?”
“No regrets just a wish that things were different. It wasn’t an easy experience to live with. I was fighting my awakening by resisting but even surrendering to the truth felt like failing. It felt like if I surrendered then I was giving in and if I could keep fighting then I would have more control over the situation, over myself.
My awakening had started a long time back but that experience escalated with one incident and broke down all my barriers. It awakened parts of me that had been dormant for so many years and were just waiting to be seen. I honestly don’t know what I could have done differently except maybe listen to my teacher when he warned me. He had asked me not to express my truth but I think even that was meant to happen because otherwise, I would have dragged others with me. My intuition guided me to speak my truth and so I did.”
“Do you still hold anger for anyone?”
“No. There was only sadness underlying that anger but that anger itself has started to fade away. I thought holding onto that anger will make it easier for me to let it go. And in some ways, it helped. It made it a little easier for me to move on and witness my role in my suffering. But I am not angry anymore. Maybe just let down.
There was a lesson in that anger too. To take a stand for me. What’s meant to be will find a way to be. If I don’t value myself then no one will. I don’t need to appease others just so that they see my value and continue to love me. I can be assertive, take a stance for myself and still be compassionate toward both of us.
And that first panic attack was the start of what was to come. It was because of those circumstances that my awakening escalated in the first place and it brought me healing. And look at the kind of connections I made since then. I met Her, soulmates, some sort of a soul family member that got us both confused, and a stepmother from another lifetime who had entered my life a long time back but who I took a while to recognize. Do I wish it was a little more gentle? My God, yes. But there must be a reason there too. Like I couldn’t have appreciated all these connections as much as I did in such a small span had I not gone through that experience. Two years of crash course must be bringing me somewhere. I at least am aware of a part of my purpose now.”, I laughed.
“I am proud of how far you’ve come. How are the dreams now?”
“Better or at least I know how to deal with them in a better way. This week has been about purging repressed anger, resentment, and pain. Whose I don’t know.”
“Is there any other thing from that experience that you’re happy about?”
“I found God in my own way. I realized that they have been with me forever and I know now why I felt close to all Gods and places of worship. I also found clarity in my confusion around religions and feel freer. That topic of religion had once severely destroyed my faith and now I feel more grounded in my beliefs.
But most importantly, I feel like I finally stepped into my feminine energy, something that I had rejected while growing up so that I could protect myself. I let go of everything that I thought was associated with femininity because I thought those traits or characteristics made me weak. Then, I would oscillate between what I was taught was the right way to act as a woman and my inner fire which would show up as masculine to protect me from harming myself.
I can now see that I don’t have to choose. I can be a strong assertive woman. I can lead with compassion and be assertive about my truth. I don’t have to be one or the other. I can be both. That was the biggest gift that connection brought to me. Awakening me to my feminine.”
“You know when I first met you, I wondered to myself if you were non-binary or even trans. And over time, I have seen you step into your feminine energy more and more. It brings me so much peace and happiness for you. Can you see how you had to do it to protect yourself?”, she asked with a sense of pride in her voice.
“Yes, I had to suppress it so that I could survive and bring myself to a place where I could be free to be myself. That’s the freedom that I had been striving for all my life – the freedom to be my whole self. I was always this woman. I had just forgotten who I was because I constantly had to be in a survival mode where being myself was not safe.”, I spoke, realizing the gravity of the lesson with every word.
“If there is one thing that you could tell the version of you who was going through the spiritual awakening, what will it be?”
“Believe in yourself. When I asked my CST therapist if she thought I was disillusioned, she looked at me and told me that she trusts my intuition. It need not make sense but it was true. If she can trust me, then, I can learn to trust myself too.
When people initially told me I was gifted, I resisted and hated it. It felt like I was going to be too alone if I was so different from others. Now, I have started to accept those changes too. The answer was not to reject me but to choose people around me who were not afraid to love me for who I am. I just have to let them in.”
“Our sessions end today. Is there anything else that you’d like to let out?”
“Just a final learning – Surrender does not mean not taking an action. It just means not trying to control the situation. Keep doing your job and keep following your heart while loving every aspect of yourself. Be true to yourself. The kinder and loving you are to yourself, the freer you’ll be. Listen to your body and your heart. The more you are aligned with your truth, the faster things will fall in alignment or the harder it will be for you to be in situations that do not serve you anymore. Your body, heart, and soul will start to reject what’s not in your highest good. You just have to listen. If it’s meant to be, it will find a way to be. The more you surrender to yourself, the more awakened you’ll be.
I told my teacher that I was my own guide. Today, I realized how true it was. I am ready to let go of that final piece of resistance.”
“Finally, what did you decide about sending that letter?”, she asked.
“There’s nothing left to say. She now knows everything.”
– THE END