Curiosity Killed The Cat – Part 1

“But it found a way back”

“When was the last time you meditated?, asked the Therapist.

“I meditate every now and then but I’ve reduced it to only a few minutes now. I only do body scans which help with my anxiety.”.

“It’s good that body scan is working for you. Body scanning helps release any stuck emotion or energy in your body and brings a sense of grounding and safety. But I am curious to know what made you decide to reduce the duration for your mediation?”

“I used to meditate for 20 – 45 minutes. I have, in fact, meditated for hours at length multiple times without realizing it. But I don’t want to have the same experiences that I had earlier. I am not even sure if I feel comfortable to pray anymore.”, she said lost in thoughts.

“What led you to make that decision?”, the Therapist enquired.

“I have seen what meditation can do to my brain. I don’t want to experience that again. And for praying, I am not sure I know what it means anymore.”

“It’s understandable that you won’t want to experience something again that made you feel uncomfortable. We have also identified that your body and brain are more sensitive than an average human being. However, what makes you think that the experiences you had will happen again?”

“I accept that I don’t know if it will happen again or if I will experience all that with the same intensity. But when I slip, something or the other happens again.

Okay, the truth is I am scared.”

“What are you scared of?”, asked the Therapist.

“Everything that happened. Everything that I experienced. Not being able to sleep, nightmares, meditations, visuals, even my senses.”

“What about your senses scare you?”

“They were all exceptionally enhanced. Every sound became a bit too loud. The colors were far more enhanced than they normally are. Even my sense of smell had drastically increased. I couldn’t stand loud sounds, bad smell, anything.”

“Is it such a bad thing to have enhanced senses?”

“It’s the fact that everything was enhanced to a level that it got overwhelming. I could close my eyes and go into a trance state within seconds. My memory was enhanced, it still is more enhanced than I ever remember it to be. I could feel people’s emotions as if they were my own no matter how far away or close they were. In some cases, I could “see” what their emotional state was like and the traumatic experiences that they’ve had – I verified some of these visuals with these individuals and they were true.

I didn’t need to meditate for hours or even take the help of a stimulant. If anything, a stimulant made it impossible to have any control over my experiences.

I know I can still do all of that. All it would require for me to do is concentrate. It might take a bit longer but I know I can do it. But a few months back, it got so overwhelming that I started to have anxiety throughout the day and I had to make changes to get some level of sanity back. Every interaction I have, I have to consciously try and stop myself from letting myself feel the other person’s energy or feelings. It’s like a wall has to be up all the time. When I don’t do that, it takes minutes for me to start to feel exhausted or overwhelmed. I have tried hard to get some level of control over all of this so that I don’t feel overwhelmed all the time. I don’t want to go back.”

“I am starting to see that you have a tendency to stop or cut out whatever causes you pain. You stopped meditating, these practices and now even praying.”

“Won’t anyone?”

“Some might but not everything that causes pain requires to be completely eliminated from our lives. Everything has a good and a not-so-good side. Eliminating stimulants, as an example, is a good decision because it does more harm than benefit. Sometimes, however, a few things just need a bit of change or modification depending on what they do for you. E.g., body scanning is a type of meditation. You experience benefits from it, don’t you?”

“Yes. It hasn’t shown any side effects and helps me relax.”

“What else helps you?”

“Concentrating on my breathing, journaling, sleeping, exercising, talking to you.”

“Good. Try and go back to some of these tools and practices whenever you start to feel overwhelmed. How have you been sleeping in the past few weeks?”

“Much better than before. Most nights, it’s pretty pleasant. Sometimes there are dreams where I see myself working through a problem. I have only had one bad dream in the past two months. Yesterday, though, I had an interesting dream which woke me up. It got overwhelming initially but I could go back to sleep almost instantaneously. 

Someone told me that a reason behind my bad dreams could be the thoughts or questions I have right before going to bed. While yesterday I don’t remember having any of these thoughts, it might be my exhaustion and a couple of other variables that led to that dream. So, I try to be more conscious about my thoughts especially before going to bed.”

“That’s something I would agree to be more conscious about. What questions did you ask yourself?”

“Why was this happening to me? Why does no one else experience this? Why doesn’t it stop? Why does something happen?

I know what you’re about to say – ‘Why is a dangerous question’. I have stopped asking ‘why’ now. Though sometimes I still slip. My curiosity seems to be causing a lot of troubles lately.”

“It’s my least favorite question. “What” and “how” are good questions to get whatever information we want. It’s even better to be more specific about what you need answers to. Before going to bed, however, it’s good to have no questions. Our brain has a way to ponder and maybe even provide us answers when we go to sleep. Sometimes these answers help. Sometimes they can cause more anxiety. But, I think it’s my responsibility to tell you that you’re not alone. What you are experiencing is called Spiritual Emergence. We don’t have much scientific knowledge about this but many people experience this. Unfortunately, not everyone in my profession is versed with this.”

“I know. That’s why I was seeking a therapist who has some experience working with spiritually-inclined clients. I just wish more people were aware of this because I know a lot many suffer because they don’t get the attention that they deserve.”

“That’s really unfortunate and I can assume can be scary.”

“It is.”

“One more thing that I would like you to consider is that while there are different tools available to help you in your recovery, there are tools that might not work for you. E.g., in therapy, we ask people to use different tools to help them deal with whatever they’re dealing with. Some tools work for some people, some don’t. Does that mean that all tools are bad?”

“No. Okay, I get what you’re saying. Meditation was not the culprit, it was the type of meditation that I was doing that wasn’t helpful to me because of my sensitivity. It can be beneficial to others. I find it a little funny to see that I struggled with meditation for years and when I got the hang of it, I turned out to be pretty good at it. To be fair, it was all blissful in the beginning but then it went downhill.”

“What happened?”

“Where do I start? Visions, dreams, flashbacks of experiences I didn’t have but that seemed so real”, she felt herself getting lost in the past.

“How do you feel in your body as you recall these experiences, right now.”

“Weak. I am rubbing my hand against the surface of this couch and focusing on the way it makes my hand feel is helping me stay grounded.”

“Good. See, you have all these tools that help you stay grounded and it’s your body that’s acting as the anchor. Whenever you feel like you’re going into a trance or when you have some unpleasant experiences during your meditation practice or when you’re lucid dreaming or after you’ve had a bad dream, can you try to bring your awareness back to your body by using any of these tools?”

“I can try. Normally, I get scared but I am willing to give it a try. Are you saying that I resume my meditation practices? I am not sure if I am ready to do that.”

“You’ve experienced some transformational changes with your meditation practices. You told me that you could uncover a childhood trauma, it has also enhanced your memory, it has helped you bring to the surface and process subconscious emotions and it helps you deal with anxiety. I am not asking you to resume all the practices but would you consider continuing with practices that you found helpful?”

“Yes. I can continue body scanning, perhaps try some guided meditation and some other practices that have helped.”

“Good. Now, I have another question for you. What made you stop praying?”

With a long exhale, “I don’t know who I am praying to anymore. I don’t know what it means to pray anymore. My experience has challenged a lot of what I knew about this world, my beliefs, my values, and even my relationships.

Since I was a kid, I’ve believed in a God. I never believed in religion but God’s existence was something that I never doubted. Back then, God was this omnipresent presence, a friend I could speak to, be angry at, ask help from but I didn’t have to worry about…”

“Please continue”

“About ‘seeing’ them in my dreams or meditations or just by closing my eyes. Or get answers to what I only read about in religious textbooks. Past life, for example, was this fun concept that I was always curious about but never thought I’ll just randomly sit through and experience.”

“Are you sure those were past lives?”

“Either that or my mind has an amazingly powerful imagination. Also, I asked a few spiritual practitioners to do their practice and tell me what it was. They didn’t even know what I was experiencing yet played back to me every single detail of what I had experienced. Either we’re all hallucinating or there is some truth to it.”

“How did having others validate your experience make you feel?”

“It was a mix of emotions. After hearing back from the third practitioner, I told myself that there was no point in denying it or trying to understand what it meant. They all had different practices and re-iterated what I was experiencing. In fact, two of them hardly knew me to make it all up. I remember feeling weak in my body but freer. Like I could believe myself.

Then, there was this fear – That if it’s all true, then, I am supposed to do things that I don’t want to do. It scared me. My mistakes have a much larger impact than I was ever aware of. Emotions, thoughts, and actions have a much larger impact than we’re aware of. There was also this fear that after knowing all of this, I was way lonelier than I had realized.”

“What makes you think so?”

“I am yet to meet someone who has experienced all of what I have experienced in the way that I did and who still tries to look at it objectively without getting lost in some of the supernatural beliefs. I have already lost someone to these experiences and I don’t think I have the strength left in me to lose someone else.”

“Did everyone you spoke to have the same reaction?”

“I can’t talk to my family about it openly because either they get scared for me or they don’t believe me or they come up with these requests as if I am a healer of some kind. I don’t like hearing that. The teachers I reached out to asked me to be a healer too and heal humanity. I don’t believe in any of that. I would love to help people, I love doing that. In fact, I have thought about doing something meaningful throughout my life. But not because I have some special ‘gifts’. I am normal, maybe a bit more aware of these experiences but that doesn’t make me an ‘intuitive healer’ like so many people have claimed that I am. I don’t like that term for myself. I am just me and I don’t like the expectations that all of a sudden people seem to put on me when I open up to them. With my family, I got a request to just eliminate all the pain and suffering, and make a request to a God because I have a special way of contacting them. That’s not true, I don’t.

We all have these ‘gifts’. My experience just allowed me to ‘see’ some of it but that’s about it. A person just needs to sit, concentrate and they’ll experience what I do. It might not be as visual as it gets for some but the end result would be the same. The details of the experience will differ from person to person but that’s not because I am special or a few people are ‘blessed’. It’s because that happened because of some explanations that we don’t have yet. Frankly, others might have a better experience than I did because they might not experience it with the same intensity. Anyway, I have stopped sharing. That’s another part of my life that I can’t share with my family.

With my friends, most of them didn’t question me but just accepted me. One was scared, few got excited and wanted me to do past life regressions for them. That was funny.”

“You seem to be struggling with some of the expectations that people have put on you.”

“Yes! I am not a healer or a psychic or whatever you want to call it. I don’t do anything that others can’t. I didn’t even ask for any of this. It literally just happened.”

“What don’t you like about those terms?”

“I don’t like what these terms imply – that all this is supernatural. These terms don’t sit well in my body. They induce fear and just feel wrong. When my ‘Spiritual Emergence’ started, a Shamanic teacher helped me get some sanity. Most of what he taught me, helped me. But some of the explanations to my experiences I got only scared me more. I couldn’t put my finger on it until later but I finally realized that it was because I didn’t agree with a lot of explanations. The same thing happened with another teacher which led me to decide to not go down that path despite everyone claiming that was what I was ‘meant to do’. Really, how can anyone know what I am meant to do? Even I don’t know what I am supposed to do in my life!

And, then, with people who follow other practices like Akashic records reading and Reiki healing it was overall the same experience. Most of the practitioners experience the same things that I do but where their beliefs are based on faith, mine are not and I struggle with just ‘surrendering’ to these beliefs. Whenever I tried to just accept their interpretations and ‘surrender’, it only scared me more. I am not saying that they are wrong but I don’t believe everything that people say either. Hell, I don’t even believe everything that I tell myself. E.g., I have seen the benefits of Reiki and will ask people to use that as a way to heal themselves. However, I won’t tell them the same story that seems to be prevalent in the spiritual community – that all this is supernatural. I was using the same energy to heal myself during my experiences way before I formally learned how to give Reiki. Then, how can Reiki practice be limited to a special few? By the way, it turns out, I am a natural at all of these practices. Next, I’ll just teleport myself to another part of the galaxy.”

“You sound frustrated.”, the Therapist noted.

“I am. The more I try to be normal, the more different I find myself to be. I have struggled for years with my childhood experience and my identity. I have put in a lot of effort into helping myself feel my emotions, and come to terms with who I am and, then, this happens. Every other week, I used to uncover some new ‘gift’ or experience something new or unlock another memory or emotion.

I have no friends who have these experiences or ‘gifts’. I tried talking to people who have these experiences but I find that I am not able to connect with their way of thinking. I tried talking to more scientific-minded folks and they just refuse to acknowledge any of these experiences despite the fact that there are multiple encounters of people having these experiences. I once saw a friend’s house that I had never visited. When I visited their place, it was the same image that I saw during my meditation. That doesn’t mean I am psychic. It just means that I am doing something that we all can do but don’t know how to do. That also leaves me with no one to talk to and I feel isolated.”

“What about what spiritual practitioners say that frustrated you?”

“Spiritual practitioners I met were nothing but supportive. No doubt, I’ll still seek their help when I decide to and I have nothing but respect for the work they do to heal others. They were extremely sympathetic and helpful. Some of them felt as isolated as I did. The fact is, none of them are lying. It’s all true. The experiences they have are real experiences that a number of people share. What I struggled with were the explanations that they gave me. It all seemed to be rooted in this ‘non-scientific’ fear-based thinking. And I don’t think it’s their fault.

Don’t get me wrong. I trust them without a doubt. And if some explanations work for them, great. But it feels like, everyone seems to take these experiences at their face value and when I don’t, I am told that I am not ‘surrendering’. E.g., I don’t have any doubts about the existence of what we call a soul or God but I also can’t blindly believe in the explanations of today’s society for whatever it is. But there were times when I was asked to do something to avoid any ‘repercussions’ because I will be ‘punished’ or because a ‘God’ will leave me. The term that I started to hate the most was “surrender”. When I ask what to surrender to, they don’t have an answer and, then, I am told that that’s not how it works. That I just should just believe. Believe in what? Well, how does it work? Then, no one has any answers.

On one hand, we say that there is this God and a Supreme Soul who is all-loving and is a part of us. On the other hand, we are asked to be scared of it. Of what? Something that we call a part of ourselves? We should be scared of ourselves? How does that even make sense? That goes against every psychological practice.

I am sorry if I am sounding frustrated.”

“It’s okay. Go on”

“And then there is this thing about past lives itself. People say – we have past lives, we have karma, we have energy bonds. We do good, we reduce karma, we reach enlightenment, we ‘merge’ with our souls, some spirits are good, some spirits are bad, and it goes on and on and on. Someone even said we come from a starship somewhere. Some claimed Covid happened because a God was angry and we saw thousands going on rallies to appease this God during the pandemic! People kill others in the name of Gods, sacrifice animals in their name. Seriously, a God will ask you to endanger yourself or kill someone to appease Him/Her? 

I am not saying that that’s all not true but I also can’t blindly believe in everything that’s based on something that’s been passed on from generations. Yes, these experiences happen. But I fail to understand why we need to blindly believe in the reasons behind these experiences just because they haven’t been explained yet? 

But I don’t blame anyone for any of these beliefs. That’s where our science-based minds and scientific community comes in who refuses to believe in anything that the technology of today can’t explain. That leaves people like me nowhere to go but to these religious practices that are masked as spiritual practices. Sometimes it feels like we’re such an arrogant bunch of cold-hearted individuals who would not bat an eye before giving the title of “fraud” or “crazy” to someone whose experiences we can’t explain irrespective of what psychological impact it would have on that individuals. I suffered because of this arrogance and it’s equivalent to asking someone to commit suicide because you’re forcing them into isolation when they reach to you for help and you deny them help. If I hadn’t met someone like you, I would be in an asylum today for something that’s completely natural or worse.

I am not saying that some people don’t lie and benefit out of these ‘gifts’. We have fraudsters everywhere. But that’s precisely the point. People can benefit from this and take advantage of blind faith because the scientific community which is the only community that can provide some logical reasoning behind these experiences refuses to acknowledge it. We claim to be empathetic beings but we turn selfish the moment something happens that makes us feel uncomfortable. We seem to be more interested in sending billionaires to space than understanding our physiology. It’s honestly disheartening to see how benefit-driven we are.”

“How does all of this make you feel?”

“It angers me. It also makes me feel sad, helpless at times, isolated, scared, and vulnerable. Giving myself some of this scientific knowledge has helped me get better control over some of what I experienced. I still have a long way to go but I can see that I am making progress.

I can only imagine how people dealt with it before someone in the scientific community coined the term Spiritual Emergence. It’s not hard to imagine that they’re all in an asylum or under the influence of some very heavy medications.”

“I am sorry that you’re going through this experience in your life. If these people could hear you, what would you say to them?”

“To scientific community – STOP GASLIGHTING. Learn to have empathy. You’re scientists, and scientists have been proven wrong multiple times. Have some sense of humbleness and, if nothing else, be humans. To spiritual community – STOP HAVING BLIND FAITH. Study some science. You already know that you are mentally strong, try to equip yourself with some science to help yourself in these endeavors.”

“You told me that you’ve been reading some research papers to help yourself understand this experience a bit more. What did you learn?”

“Frankly, I am as clueless today as everyone else. But, I think I have started to observe some patterns, and based on my very limited knowledge, I think I can at least give myself some answers that seem to be helping me. Now, this is all my theory and I could be completely wrong or slightly right.

Here’s what I think – The answer lies in our DNAs. Genetic memory might be the explanation for our ancestral trauma healing and past life regression. The terms ‘mother wounds’ or ‘father wounds’ are nothing but their traumas stored in our DNAs. DNAs don’t just transfer physical ailments but our emotions pass down to the next generation too. That with Theory of Relativity should have some answers to past lives and the visions that I had. Time may after all not always be linear. That might also provide some clarity on what karma means. For all we know, the subconscious thoughts and impact of our actions get stored in our DNA and impact our well-being while showing up as physical ailments. If you bring someone new to this world with this faulty DNA, the person is bound to suffer. Remove the faults, and the ‘pain’ goes away. That’s why it might be good to be cautious of who we choose to have kids with. We’ll be transferring all our and our partner’s traits & emotions to the kid along with everything that we inherited from our families unless we’ve worked on those parts of ourselves. If I have an angry partner or if I suffer from anxiety, guess how my kid or my grandkid will probably turn out to be? 

Then, come forces and energies. Gravitational force is a proven fact but only since the apple fell. Scientists have FINALLY started to wonder if thoughts have energy. Heart’s electromagnetic field was detected just a few years back. Is it so far-fetched to assume that we all have energies that we radiate? If it’s an energy, won’t it have a specific frequency which might answer why I find it easier to feel some people’s thoughts & emotions over others because their thoughts/emotions might be resonating at my frequency? Can’t that somehow answer why some of us feel other people’s emotions, what we attract, who we attract, who we repel, etc.? Won’t it also explain why I find myself more at peace with people I’ve shared some past life memories with because their presence feels familiar to my body? That would also explain the concept of collective consciousness which might be nothing but all our thoughts that we have access to which is why we see similar images of Gods or why some of us have common dreams. It does not make any of this unreal. Depending on the frequency of our thought, we just get the answer from this ‘collective’. It just means that we’re more connected to each other than we realize.

It’s not true until it’s proven seems to be costing a lot of lives.”

“You have some interesting theories. Carry on”, the Therapist was intrigued.

“If we subconsciously know that there is a part of ourselves that we have to heal, is it not possible that we subconsciously put ourselves in situations and enter relationships that only bring to the surface that pain so that it can be released and so that we can work on rewiring some patterns to correct this DNA? It could also mean that there are some relationships that we are not able to make sense of but that feel more real than other relationships because we share our genes with these people that come from our past lives experiences, and because we might both be trying to heal the same ‘wounds’ and because our bodies remember each other even if we don’t?

Then, we have our brains which are still more or less a mystery. Science has FINALLY proven that meditation can alter our neural pathways. That’s what happened to me. From my perspective, some people, situations, stimulants, circumstances, and my endeavor to heal myself, activated some part of my DNA or altered my neural pathway or did both. This led to the visions, past live regressions, having ‘gifts’, etc. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t and don’t experience what I do but it would mean that this is my subconscious coming into light because parts of my DNA that were dormant have been activated. My body and brain are only helping me heal myself. The dreams I see of Gods or other family members or people I have shared my past lives with might be that DNA, collective subconsciousness, and some of this programming that brought it all to the surface or brought me more in touch with who I am as a whole. I don’t believe awakening is about waking up to something unnatural. I believe it’s awakening to our physiology, to our humanity.

None of this makes me special or weird. It just makes me a human being who is trying to heal herself by letting go of trapped emotions, energies, and patterns that sometimes are mine and are sometimes just a part of my genetic structure. It also just shows that this is what happens when you start working on yourself and when you start to release these stuck patterns. That might explain why most spiritual practitioners share these experiences with slight differences and why some religious textbooks mention some of these experiences. That’s because it happens, we’re all human beings, we’re nature and that’s just how we’re programmed.”

“You seemed to have put a lot of thought into it. How does it make you feel when you see that not everyone can have these conversations with you?”

“Lonely? I can’t wait to meet someone who will be willing to talk through this. But a friend recently scolded me when I told her that I feel I am weird because not many people share these experiences and I have decided to believe her.

I know that there are so many other experiences that I will continue to have. This is not just my journey. This is literally just what we are as human beings and we as humans are meant to experience. For whatever reason, my body decided it was time for me to experience all of this and my brain is helping me not get lost in the supernatural explanations. 

Reading research papers has helped me a lot along with spiritual texts. That’s what you do when you have to rescue yourself without much support. Again I might be completely wrong about all of this and I know most of what I mentioned still hasn’t been accepted by our scientific community or even by the spiritual community. But I am afraid I’ll already be dead by the time anyone accepts it. So, I have to give myself something to allow myself to live my life. Which leaves me with nothing but confusion about how I relate to God and some other stuff.”

“I can see that you’ve started to untangle a lot of your thoughts. Just a few weeks back you were struggling to talk through any of this and, today, you have your own theory which is based on scientific evidence and does not negate your experiences. I see a lot of significant progress. I would like you to give more thought to what confuses you about your relationship with God and this other stuff that you mentioned.

We’re almost at the end of our session. Let’s take this in our next session. But before we leave, how do you feel in your body?”

“I am feeling better in my body from how I felt when our session started. I can see that I was holding onto a lot of frustration and anger. There is also a lot of sadness and loneliness but I feel better knowing that I might after all be able to help myself. Thank you for listening. It means a lot to me.”

“I am glad this is helping you. Thank you for showing up. Until next time.”

Why Me

Throughout my journey, I have asked myself, people around me, and my Angels – “Why”. Why was I experiencing this? What had I ever done to deserve this? Was I too into myself for my own good? I had thought that working on myself would make me a better human but the same self-love was taking away my entire sense of balance. While I am still on a journey to explore the “why” more, I have finally come to recognize some reasons behind this why.

When my journey started, several experiences made me doubt my mental health. I knew I am what they call a “Highly Sensitive Person”, I exhibit symptoms of PTSD, and I have suffered from depression at different phases of my life. However, I had hoped that my therapy and the changes that I had introduced in my lifestyle would heal me and make me a stronger, healthier individual. So when the experiences started to happen, I thought my brain had finally crossed the threshold of what it could endure. 

We Become What We Think

I still remember that day quite clearly when I had convinced myself that my brain was too weak to handle these experiences. The previous night I had a thought in my mind to remember Durga. Durga is a Hindu female Goddess of war, strength, and protection. On one hand, She is the epitome of Love, and on the other, She is known to destroy anything and everything that causes harm. In my state of fear, I had convinced myself that She was here to destroy me. The next day, no matter how much I tried, the thoughts of fear, self-doubt, and the pending death did not stop.

I called my Guide the next day to ask for help. After hearing me blabber for minutes, he said – “I am your Guide and so I am going to hold different roles throughout your journey. It’s time that I stop telling you that everything will be fine but instead tell you the truth. You have to stop victimizing yourself. You are not weak. Nothing is happening to you. Why are you afraid of death when we are all dying every day? This voice in your head that’s telling you to doubt yourself, you have to conquer it. You cannot keep telling yourself that you are a victim. You have to be stronger with yourself. Do you observe your thought patterns? Do you realize how much you doubt yourself? Stop this voice in your head that’s continuously telling you that you are weak. Embrace your power” That was the first time that my Guide had shown any anger towards what I was doing to myself and for some reason, I had felt nothing but deep gratitude towards him for understanding my predicament. I understood that I needed tough love to get through this phase.

That day I intentionally started observing my thoughts. To my surprise, I could distinguish between 7 different thought patterns. Next, I started observing the messages from all these patterns and could associate each thought with a voice and a specific location in my body. There was a child that was scared and told me that I had abandoned her. It told me that it had been trying to get me to pay attention to these nightmares since I was a kid but that I had always dismissed them. I could feel this child speak from my lower abdomen. I, now, associate her with my Inner Child and her voice now originates from throughout my body. Next, there was a calm voice that originated from my heart. It showed calmness, deep love, and understanding towards me. Now, I associate this voice with Atma and Paramatma. There was a voice originating from the back of my head that kept telling me that I was weak and going nuts. This voice keeps me in check as it makes me question my assumptions. Another voice originated from the right side of my brain. This voice was extremely logical, protective, and wanted me to trust myself. There was another voice that only wanted to crack jokes about everything that was happening around me. There was yet another voice that originated from the left side of my brain that only wanted to show love, had a sense of balance, and was accepting. And then there was my voice who was seeking all the answers. Each of these voices was bringing forth a different thought and each thought had a different emotion associated with it. Though it would still take me 7-8 weeks to get better at managing these voices, a dream where I saw my scared Inner Child, and, finally, a meditation session where I saw my highest self, the fact that I could differentiate every thought in my head was nothing short of a miracle for me.

Now, I will be honest. This revelation only further confused me about the state of my mental health. If hearing voices in your head does not prove mental illness, then, what would? I remember thinking – “Oh! So this is how I go insane. What’s worse than hearing voices in your head? ” But, a little deep dive into research papers on psychology, meditation, and brain patterns led me to multiple publications that showed me how meditation changes the neurological pathways of our brain. During my research, I prefer to stick to research papers or renowned publications to avoid noise. I also found research on how monks who regularly engage with spiritual practices could self-regulate these thoughts and control these voices. Some of the articles can be accessed here –

Exploring the conversations between our ears 

Ability to Gain Control Over One’s Own Brain Activity and its Relation to Spiritual Practice

Are we morally obligated to meditate? 

(Side Note – When we meditate, we activate different wave patterns in our brain that have been lying passive for years. Here is a study on how brain waves impact Buddist Monks, and how they maintain peace, insights, and calmness through meditation. These waves are always present in our brain, however, the duration for which they are active differ from individual to individual. Meditation can increase/decrease the duration of these waves depending on our thought patterns. Another useful article I found is this which further explains the role of different brain waves and tools to decrease or enhance certain waves. As per Daoism, our Living Soul (Po) is comprised of 7 Spirits that together make Po. Our Supreme Soul (Hun) is comprised of 3 Spirits. Needless to say, I did not know about this when I started this journey.)

There it was – when my brain was driving me crazy, the same brain came to my rescue and asked me to do what I did best to solve a problem – dig deeper into science and psychology. When I was convinced of being too weak to handle my challenges, my body helped me associate my thoughts with my emotions.

Through the Lens of Science

Science helped me bridge the gap between what I thought was normal and abnormal. Since we are born, our brain learns different ways to respond to triggers. These triggers can be harmless or harmful, depending on how we perceive them. With time, our brain learns to react to these triggers by following a specific thought pattern. Through my therapy and meditation practices, I had been continuously challenging these thought patterns. Where therapy helped me form new thought patterns, meditation was helping me rebuild the patterns that I had lost.

When I thought I was feeling calm, peaceful, and physically fit, my brain was restructuring and re-aligning years of thought patterns. It was a shock to the poor baby! It had grown up in this world with certain patterns that it had become comfortable with. All it was trying to do was to protect me. Now, I was forced to change and unlearn all the learnings with no help or support from me. All the medical journals were telling it that it’s weak. Its conditioning made it act like it still had to be the protector of me and our body. It was trying so hard for what it has always done but did not know how anymore. From my limited knowledge, this is what I understand today – Meditation offered me that calmness I desperately needed to calm my brain. While it provided me the calmness that it needed, it also brought to the surface various thought patterns that were not serving me anymore. It also brought to light thought patterns and brain waves that I had been oblivious to. The lights and colors that we see during meditation are not something new. They come from the same thought patterns and the light within us.

You’ll hear many people and even leaders say that our brain can be our biggest weapon or our biggest enemy. They’d say that our bodies are a means to an end, a tool to be used. I chose to believe it’s all a lie. Our brains and bodies are our best friends who help us find balance in our day-to-day lives. If anything, we can be their worst enemy if we chose to be. In the past, I have felt ashamed of my body for not looking like that of a supermodel. I have felt ashamed of my brain for having countless thoughts and digging its own grave. However, a few nights back when I was paying my gratitude to everyone around me who continue to help me on my journey, I heard my Atma say – “It’s time to thank your body and mind”. That sentence made me take a pause and forced me to acknowledge that I had never recognized the role that my mind and body have played in my growth. My body has shown intense endurance during pain, it has guided me to get in touch with my own emotions and has helped me feel the beautiful sensations of this world through all of its parts. My brain has been my protector, my biggest champion, and my most loyal partner. So what do you do when your best friends are confused and scared? Do you blame them for struggling and label them insane? Or do you take the role of the savior for once and guide them through the process? Do you further destroy them with your insecurities or do you show them the love, support, and encouragement that they need to continue doing what they do best – love unconditionally. When our best friends astray, we don’t abandon them. We nurture them, love them and help guide them to feel better again. Our bodies are not a tool to be used, they are our best friends too. When our best friends struggle, we don’t blame them for not having the strength to push through. We nurture them with healthy food, a healthy lifestyle, encouragement, and empathy to be a better version of themselves.

Since we’re born, we try to understand the world and society through our experiences. Our brain tries to make sense of these experiences to help and protect us. Every time we feel happy loved, threatened, or abandoned, our brain comprehends the situation, learns from the experience, and creates patterns that depict what works for us when we encounter a trigger. Our mind, soul, and body are all wonderful parts of the same team. Like any other team, this team needs a leader to hold all the three together in times of crisis and joy. When we are lost in our own world, our brain takes the role of the leader to protect our soul and body from external forces that can harm us. It becomes our savior. Our perception of reality guides our thought process and consequently our behaviors and perceptions. It’s a cycle that when gets broken results in a shock to both the brain and the body. How can any of them be a tool to be used or our potential enemies when these same parts of us have helped us create a sense of this reality?

It is when we start challenging our core beliefs and garner the courage to work on ourselves that our mind and body lose their sense of balance. Everything that they are used to, every single circumstance that they’ve lived through and the perceptions of reality that they are known to, get challenged. It’s like they both go through an identity crisis. Now let’s consider this – if someone you love is having an identity crisis, will you leave them? Or would you show them love and care? Would you succumb to the thought patterns that were a result of various experiences that you’ve had since you were born or would you take a stand and say it’s enough? My lifelong experiences were not anyone’s fault. They just were. My mind and body have done their best to make me who I am today. The scars left by these experiences can either continue to define me or I can choose to unlearn my learnings and create my definition of who is me. I have decided to unlearn the learnings that don’t serve me anymore. I have decided it’s enough.

Acknowledging “Me”

I was in grade 4 when I told my mom and a dance teacher out of nowhere one day – “You know what. I think we’re doing it wrong. We don’t have to go the outer space to understand if there is life outside the Earth. We need to look at our bodies. The way our cells are made up of all these tiny atoms which themselves are made up of tiny particles, the Universe is made of galaxies which themselves are made of planets and stars. The space within an atom is mostly empty just like most of the Universe is almost empty. What if this Universe is a giant human body and we are the bodies living inside that body? What if our bodies contain tiny human-like creatures somewhere on a proton that we can call earth?”

Yes, I know. The above thought was quite outrageous. Even more so when it was coming from a 10-year-old. I remember having several such questions pop up into my mind as a kid. One day, I had asked my dad – “Papa, how do we know that trees don’t talk? Just because we can’t understand what they say, does not mean that they don’t have a way to communicate.” My dad walked me through the process of photosynthesis and plant biology to explain why trees don’t need to talk. He did what he does best – he analyzed the question, looked at the science, and communicated the answers to his daughter. Except it took science years to start recognizing that plants grow faster if we talk to them. Science is now trying to understand how. 

While my parents had the patience to answer my “abnormal” questions, society didn’t have the time to entertain a curious kid. It was against the norm to question society’s expectations, societal beliefs or rituals, or society’s regulations. I have been told that I think too much about things that don’t matter. I have been told I get too “worked up” when I see injustice. I have been told I get “too emotionally involved” or that I “get too affected” by situations around me. I have been told to “chill” down and I have been told to “leave it if it does not impact you”. Well, it impacts me because if it impacts someone, then, it impacts all of us. There is no difference between you and me because there is no and you. There is and always has been only “us”. When I went through my struggles what kept me going was the support I got from those around me. The support was sometimes provided by my family, my friends, acquaintances, or my Guardian Angels. When I was not aware of the presence of my Angels, it was my inner strength that came to my rescue. However, every time I overcame these struggles, I always wished that no one else goes through these struggles alone. Even the motivation for publishing this blog came from me hoping that it helps others who are on a similar journey and are trying to find the strength to go through the process.

I am done letting anyone or myself tell me that I am not normal. I am done associating my normalcy with the expectations of myself and the society around me. If anything, this is the closest I have felt to be normal. I don’t align and never align with society’s definition of normal because that’s what’s not normal. We are born to be loved, we are born to be cherished, we are born to love everyone around us irrespective of who or what they are, we are born to be happy, we are born to be curious, we are born to challenge that does not make sense, we are born to grow and above all, we are born to be awakened. We matter, our feelings matter, and our existence matters. 

I have been told several times that it’s important to prioritize yourself. They say “I” should be more important than “You”. “My needs” are more important than “anyone else’s needs”. No, I refute this notion from the bottom of my heart. Yes, we should love ourselves but not because “I” is more important. We should love ourselves because “I” is just as important as “You”. We should love ourselves, forgive ourselves, have compassion for ourselves, heal ourselves and be true to ourselves because only then can we see ourselves in others. With that, I also realize that we all don’t think the way I do. Not everyone keeps the “we” before “I”. This realization has brought me clarity as to why some relationships have disappointed me in the past. I am, now, removing my expectations and instead will continue to have hope that one day “We” wins. While removing expectations is allowing me not to get disappointment, having hope is giving me the courage to continue with the journey and does not bind my wish to a factor of time.

There is no gender, there is no religion, there is no ethnicity and there is no creed. Souls are living in each body around us. No species is better than the other. No gender is superior to the other. Humans have found a way to even dictate the way we love. Homosexuality is a sin they say. It’s again nature they claim. What’s against nature is not being in a same-sex relationship. What’s against nature is differentiating between souls based on the bodies they are born with. What’s against nature is forcing people to live by the rules written down by society and what’s against nature is us, humans, believing so strongly that “a certain way of life” is the right way to live just because it’s accepted by the society.

We are all born from the same source. We all have Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine within ourselves. It’s not we who are different. It’s our bodies and brains that are different. They are different not because humans or religions make them different. They are different because the souls within each of these bodies are here to serve a specific purpose and these bodies and brains help these souls achieve that purpose. The energy behind these souls is the same, it’s only the wrapping and experiences that make us different. It’s saddening to see that to understand how same we are, we have to label ourselves differently to symbolize how different we are. Labels now have to be used to understand our intersectionality and the challenges that we face. Oh! If only there was a natural way to understand each other’s pain. But wait! Nature has a way – it’s called Empathy. And that’s what’s normal.


So why did a girl who had not surrendered to a religion, societal expectations, or to spirituality made to go through this experience? Why was a girl who was not “normal” allowed to meet the Gods and Goddesses that the normal humans would surrender to without any resistance? When I tell spiritually inclined people about my experiences, they say I am special. When I tell them that now I have visions of what was and what would be, and even talk to trees, they say I am gifted. That I am chosen. For a minute, I believed that too but now I know that it’s not true.

I am not special because by that notion we are all special. I am not the only one who is gifted, we all are gifted. We all have a unique talent within us that is waiting to be found. We are all continuously creating our realities. We don’t have to conduct years of rituals to meet our deities or find answers for that that we don’t see. We don’t have to protect our Gods to prove our faith. We can’t protect someone who is unafraid.

My Guide told me – “Surrendering comes naturally to all of us”. For the longest time, I struggled with this notion. I thought – “Why would a God want me to surrender to Him/Her? That’s an unfair use of power”. Now, I am starting to understand what surrendering means. My Guide didn’t ask me to surrender to a God. He had asked me to stop resisting the change. To surrender to love. To surrender to the process and the flow. To surrender to what is. To surrender to me, the real me. To observe, recognize and fall in love with all the parts of my being. To validate my emotions and allow myself to heal. To surrender to unconditional love for myself and my connections. To remove the “I” and accept the “We”.

My journey continues and breaks down every part of me. Yet, I have started falling in love with every existing and new part of me. I have started falling in love with what makes me me, and have started letting go of control over what was never me. There is a fine line between surrendering and suffering. We surrender to the process but not to the suffering. We love ourselves the same way we would love another. We don’t make ourselves suffer just like we want another.

So why me – because why not me? This is who I was, this is who I am and this is who I was meant to be. In the end, the answer to the “why” had to come from within me.

Dear Reader, 

You can go outside the planet and try to find the answers to the mysteries of this Universe. Or you can go within, and find every answer that you seek. At every step, your beliefs will be challenged. What will help in these moments is knowing that you have every tool within you that you would need to overcome any challenge that you perceive.

From the Fallen Ashes, A Phoenix Will Rise

Dear Reader, 

This is a story about a girl who lost her path, and then her sanity just to find something bigger than herself. This is a story put out there with one purpose alone – if you’re like me and have little to no knowledge about spirituality but are slowly awakening – you’re not alone. Reach out to that friend or family member who won’t judge and believe that you’re loved and supported. Talk to that person whom you trust and ask them to support you. Be willing to be vulnerable and be willing to share. I hope that my journey will give you the love, support, and hope that you need to make sense of what’s happening around you. Throughout the reading, I have tried to explain my encounters before I knew what my experiences meant, my feelings throughout these experiences and then I have tried to provide the Spiritual meaning that I can derive about these experiences through my meditation exercises. I will continue to update this blog as I get more clarity but I would encourage you to derive your meaning from your understanding.

Student of Science

I have always been a student of science and literature. My father loves to talk about physics and politics, my mother loves talking about literature, religion, and just day-to-day life stuff. I grew up with an affinity for reading – started with the epics like Chacha Chaudhary, Archie until I developed a love for Agatha Christie’s mind-numbing suspense and Sidney Sheldon’s chilling thrillers. Over time, my horizon spread from thrillers, romance, classics to not-so-fun but equally inspiring non-fiction on psychology, leadership, biographies, and philosophy. As an ever-curious student of science, I am still enthralled by the beauty of the human mind and the mystery of this never-ending universe.

Growing up, I had one purpose alone – I wanted to be rich, successful, and independent. I knew I could do it and I would like to say most decisions in my life have been influenced by my passion for success. I saw myself living a luxurious life as I entered my 30s, and envisioned myself living a comfortable life while supporting my family through my 50s. This is not to say that I didn’t have a life. I have had my fair share of drunk nights, have been in shitty and beautiful relationships, and love to play sports. I have quite a diverse list of interests – playing piano, hope to get back to playing guitar one day, sketching, video games, table tennis, hiking, badminton, swimming, etc. If it’s a hobby that requires concentration and provides fulfillment, I can foresee myself doing it one day.

However, the one concept that always eluded me was religion and spirituality. I was born in a Hindu family, went to a Catholic school, grew up going to Temples and Church, had a Muslim boyfriend/best friend, was impressed by Buddhism, and was curious about all other religions on the planet. The more I learned about different religions, the more confident I became that religions are humans’ way of explaining the inexplainable but the basis of all the religions is the same – spread love. It’s the human mind that has concocted the religions to serve our egos. Growing up, I prayed to all Gods when I was happy and then prayed to none when I was sad. I prayed when I needed help and forgot God when I was doing fine. I have fought with God for not giving me what I wanted and forgotten Him when I got what I needed. What never changed was my staunch belief that God does not ask us to discriminate based on gender, species, race, ethnicity, sexuality, or religion. I think the fact that most religions gave God a gender was what made me doubt the entire concept of religions. If God was only male and He is the supreme being, then by that logic, females were inferior. Why would God make someone inferior? No, I refused to believe that logic. For me, They are a friend who was just there without any expectations but was constantly trying to help. No hatred can be justified in Their name because They don’t offer hatred. They only offer love. They don’t see anyone as less deserving because if They did then why would they go through the trouble of creating something in the first place? My different outlook on religion, the difference in the way my mind worked, and even in the way I loved, had always made me feel like I didn’t belong anywhere. However, this didn’t stop me from trying to make more sense of this world and this society through books and communications with people around me.

I first became aware of the world of spirituality through the works of Don Miguel Ruiz. Needless to say, I wasn’t sure what I was getting into. The more I read, the more I started drawing parallels between psychology and spirituality. I was surprised that no one puts it that simply. Every psychological factor that influences our actions and thoughts can also be explained via spirituality. I came to recognize psychology as a bridge between science and spirituality where science explains the “what” of spirituality and psychology explained the “how”. The “Why” is still eluding me but I am certain that I’ll know one day. However, his works inspired me to dive deeper into my psychology.

Handshake with Psychology

Now that you know who I am and where I come from, it’s time to talk about where things started to change. In 2017, I was working at a tech giant. It was a good time where I was surrounded by close friends, had a loving boyfriend, and was in the best physical shape of my life (yet). One day, one of my closest friends informed me that she was leaving the organization and was flying to a different country. I don’t take change well and when she informed me that she was leaving in 20 days, all I felt was anger. While I was still trying to cope with the change and the feeling of loss, I came across multiple articles and news on the ongoing rapes in India. Sudden anger flared through my body and I ended up searching online for why humans rape. That didn’t go well. Did you know that there are so many species of animals who rape the weak to show their dominance? It’s horrendous! I won’t ask you to google it now to protect you from some horrible information about your beloved animals but I couldn’t save myself from acknowledging that knowledge. This information mixed with the feeling of abandonment had a devastating impact on me. As an individual who had had her struggles with assault, any news related to sexual violence don’t go well with me but this piece of information invoked a thought – if this is how we were created, if the powerful species are meant to use their strength to dominate and hurt the weak, then, what are we fighting for? This is how nature intended it and by that logic, this is how God intended it. Then why fight? What are we fighting against? God? Nature? How do you fight something you can’t see?

By now you might have recognized what took me 3 years of introspection to realize. My brain has a pattern. In the past, whenever I experienced an uncomfortable emotion, I would do my best to ignore the emotion, find faults in everything around me, victimize myself and look for any excuse to get angry. It took a week of going over the same thoughts and finally a talk with two drunk friends who were as clueless about the universe as I was to help me get out of my misery. A 25-year-old guy and a 28-year-old girl over glasses of whiskeys asked me to consider this – if Thomas Edison didn’t do what he did, we wouldn’t have light at our home today. If Mahatma Gandhi or Martin Luther King Jr. didn’t show the courage to fight, the world won’t be the place that it is today. Their suggestion was to consider this – “We don’t know what we are supposed to do but we know what we can do. We don’t know what impact we will have in the world but we know we can have some influence on someone’s life to make it better for them. If you can just positively influence one life, maybe that’s it?” Who knew alcohol can help at times! The same 28-year-old girl, my sister from another mother, also helped me recognize my resistance to showing emotions. When my friend told me she was leaving, I was sad. I was going to miss her but the ego in me refused to show her my vulnerable side. The anger felt safer. As a consequence, I lost a friend with whom I had truly enjoyed some wonderful moments of my life.

Though the emotional aspect of my personality still didn’t make much sense to me, the conversation pushed me to start working towards my goals again. I seriously started pursuing my lifelong dream to travel to the US. While I did manage to come to the US in 2018, I landed a place notorious for its sub-freezing temperatures. When I landed here, it didn’t start as the best experience of my life. As I said, I don’t like change and this was a change I had not prepared myself for because, in my anger, I had failed to realize the magnitude of this particular change. While I liked the state and the people, I felt completely lost. I had flown overseas with no one to talk to and with no plan of what to do next. I felt out of place almost everywhere I went. People from back home didn’t feel familiar, people from the new land felt like strangers, and people at home were struggling to maintain contact with me because of the time differences. I started questioning my identity, my beliefs, my relationships, and most importantly I started questioning my purpose in life.

Mind is a funny thing. It tends to catastrophize our thoughts in such a seamless way that we don’t realize what’s happening unless it’s too late. The loneliness, feeling of not belonging anywhere, helplessness, and lack of support system finally resulted in a giant ball of anxiety that overpowered my will to continue. One fine night I got the dreaded thought – “I won’t care if something happens to me today”. It was a strange feeling. Even while having the thought I felt angry for having the thought in the first place. But I had always been a fighter. That’s a truth that I couldn’t run away from even at my lowest point. At the same time, I also recognized that I couldn’t fight this fight alone. I needed help.

The next day I booked an appointment with a therapist. I had seen a therapist back in 2014 when I had trouble sleeping for months but had a horrible experience with her. Since childhood, I am plagued with nightmares and I have had frequent lucid dreams. No not the ones where people die. Those are easy to comprehend. I saw ghosts in my nightmares and every time I had a nightmare, I woke up shivering. All my close friends and family members know about this childhood issue that has followed me into my adulthood. The therapist I saw in the past made fun of the situation and told me that I was weak. I stopped seeing the therapist, and the nightmares continued. This time it was different though. My waking life had become a nightmare and my sleep had eluded me again.

This therapist was a blessing in disguise. In my intro session with her, I tested how it was going to go by telling her about my nightmares. I wanted to gauge her reaction to determine if I could work with her because I thought if she didn’t understand my struggles, she couldn’t help me. Her response won my heart- “I am sorry you have been having troubles with nightmares. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you especially since you’ve been dealing with them since your childhood”. Her words touched my heart. That was the first time in my life that anyone had taken my nightmares seriously and, in doing so, had taken me seriously. I knew I had found the one. So we slowly started working on my issues. I won’t take a deep dive into all of my issues because that’s a different ballgame but I will highlight some key learnings from my sessions.

First, I had trouble recognizing my emotions. My go-to emotion with any unpleasant situation was anger. I could recognize sadness but that was about it. I did laugh and I did have fun but I couldn’t recognize what happiness or joy felt like. Love felt like a distant memory and I had no safe place or a feeling of security. Second, our bodies store emotions. When we repress emotions, we create blockages in our bodies. This unprocessed emotional energy is stored in our organs, muscles, and tissues. It leads to inflammation and chronic health problems, and it undermines our overall well-being. Third, it’s okay to cry. I took great pleasure in knowing that things, situations, or people don’t make me cry. This was probably the most important learning from my session. Crying is okay. It lets out the pent-up energy that otherwise causes displeasure in our body and mind. Crying every day, however, requires some work. Finally, the way we behave and react to situations becomes a habit over time. While some habits are good for us, some don’t serve us anymore and are a result of our body reacting to certain triggers and emotions from the past that we never processed. Our mind, being the protector it is, tries to save us from unpleasant emotions by blocking these memories and making us feel numb. This can help us when we don’t feel strong enough to deal with our challenges but can act against us when we are ready to face our fears.

I won’t sugar coat it and say that therapy fixed me or my depression. I recognized that this was going to be a lifelong journey for me just like other individuals out there who were willing to work on themselves. What therapy gave me was the courage to slowly peel off the layers of my past and the understanding that I needed to better get in touch with my body and emotions. It gave me the insights that I had lacked about my relationships, traumas, triggers, and unhealthy life patterns. It also gave me a platform to just talk without the fear of being judged and the tools that I could leverage every time I was in a crisis. I have since been to four different therapists and I am glad about my progress. I am better able to recognize my emotions, don’t feel as scared of expressing my love and pain, and I am on a healthy diet too.

While my therapy was still in progress, I had a few changes in my life. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because we both realized it wasn’t working anymore. I’ll always cherish the relationship that I shared with him and I am grateful to have met him when I did. He brought in me the belief that I too am loveable. I also started partying more and got comfortable being myself with people across the world. I got a job offer that I lost to Covid two months before I was about to graduate and I started doing some breathing exercises to help me feel calmer and relaxed. It was a mixed bag of experiences. Some were good, some were bad but all of them were bringing me to where I am today.

A Kiss with Spirituality

Dear Reader, till this time I had no idea that while I had started my journey into psychology, I had unintentionally also dipped my toes into the world of spirituality. Spirituality from a very broad perspective pertains to three elements – mind, body, and soul. Through my experiences, I was getting involved with the first two elements and then someone introduced me to some deeper components of spirituality. My connection with this someone, unbeknownst to either of us, had a big influence on my spiritual experiences. This connection deserves a separate blog and I would limit this blog to the key learnings that I learned from this connection. For now, I’ll refer to this as a close friend.

In 2020, I eventually got a new job but due to Covid being in another state, I was asked to continue working remotely and I ended up staying back in my apartment. One night I had a lucid dream after a long time. I’ve had lucid dreams ever since I was a kid but they never scared me. This time, however, it was different. I saw some wave-like threads flowing down the staircase of the apartment and I remember feeling mesmerized by them during my sleep. I was seeing these waves for the first time but it felt like I had known them forever and in my dream, I was talking to them. There were also some people in my dream and my close friend was one of them. In the dream, I remember my close friend saying, “You’re finally here”. The waves kept coming towards me as if they were trying to meet me. I woke up from the dream feeling exceptionally scared. I couldn’t go back to sleep that night.

The next few weeks went fine. I continued meditation every time I got a chance. I loved spending time next to the lake, sitting in nature, and just letting my mind travel. These meditations lasted for 10-12 minutes and I was content with what I experienced in those minutes. Sometimes I tried guided meditation to learn a new technique. Other times I played various meditation tracks available on Youtube and just allowed my mind to wander. I started feeling more positive within myself and my sleep improved. I also started feeling less angry. I remember one of my friends mentioning – “Look at you. You’re optimistic”. That was new!

I would like to mention that this was also a time when I started realizing that something was happening with me that didn’t make sense. I had started feeling emotions that didn’t feel like mine. This resulted in me feeling anxious over time. During meditation, if someone’s name came to my mind, I would see cords between this person and me. From my limited knowledge, cords were our mind’s way of defining a relationship and a spiritual way of healing relationships. I didn’t pay much attention to these cords until one day I saw a beautiful Golden Cord appear between me and my close friend. This specific cord was different from the others. It glittered and it felt more powerful. It also felt like it was going through me, was not limited to my body and above all was not in my control.

(Side Note: Per Spirituality, cording happens when an energy connection forms between people, places, animals, or things. They act as a pathway to transfer energy. The Golden Cords are called “Ascension” cords that by their very nature are divine. Such cords transcend lifetimes and are cords of higher energies. The golden color represents the color of the Solar Plexus. I have accepted that this is one cord that I can’t cut because it holds the energies of lifetimes. It’s not meant to be cut rather it’s here to teach us both our Karmic lessons so that we continue to grow on our respective journeys. )

While I was still curious about what these experiences meant, a series of events, a confession, a web of half-truths, and half-lies led to some spontaneous decisions and a life-changing move on my part.

Following a series of internal conflicts, I made an abrupt decision to move away from the state that I had called home for 2.5 years and within a month moved to another city.

The new city offered me everything that I had hoped for. Beautiful vacations, tasty food, a healthy lifestyle, blissful weather, and a group of people whom I started calling friends. It gave me the best opportunity to start taking care of myself. I started eating extra healthy, I started working out religiously and I started meditating to feel happy. That’s when I started recognizing the benefits of having a healthy lifestyle. I was happier, peaceful, open, curious, energetic, hopeful, serious about my work, and more in touch with nature. I even started loving myself and started believing in the power of positive affirmations to.

Deep Dive into the Unknown

By January 2021, I had reached a point where I had started getting more in touch with emotions and my body. My healthy lifestyle acted as a gateway for me to be more present and in touch with my surrounding. I also started putting more effort into my meditation. Within 2 weeks, I went from meditating 10 minutes a day to doing 2 meditation sessions of 45 minutes a day. I experimented with mindfulness, focused attention, body scan, visualizations, self-compassion, reflection, and chakra meditations. I realized I was already incorporating these styles into my mediations without realizing what their impact was. In the meditative state itself, I would see beautiful colors and visuals. I also expanded my use of different meditation tracks to see which would work best for me. Some made me feel energetic, some made me feel drowsy while some just made me feel calm and at least one made me feel agitated. Over time, the colors around me started getting more enhanced. Outside meditation, I started hearing better, seeing better, smelling better, and thinking better. I would go into my meditation thinking about a problem and come out with a solution. Next, synchronicity started. I would think of a problem and have a solution presented to me either through thought of my own, words of a friend, or a random post online. I started seeing numbers and sequences that spoke to me as if they were there for me. I also started running into more people who were spiritually inclined and I thought I was finally within reach of truly understanding the power of meditation.

They say when you meditate, you will see images and visuals but the key is not to get lost in these visuals. In my case, I could prevent myself from following a thought which for me normally took the form of visual and I could also prevent myself from getting lost in the colors. However, during one particular session, I saw images that made me feel scared. I stopped meditating and took a break for a couple of days assuming my mind needed rest. When I got back to meditating, the images came back but I had this thought in my mind that asked me to pull through the fear and not pay attention to it. It worked. When the fear and the images stopped, all I could feel was calmness. The visuals beyond this point did not feel like they were related to thought because I had no thoughts. I once saw an elegant lady gliding through the sky, four individuals having a dialog, and pretty pink animals flying in the sky. One time, the lovely lady came back and offered me a yellow flower. The entire experience was absolute bliss.

As you can expect, our life follows a pattern. When things are at their peak and you are the most content, something pulls you down and vice versa. My experiences took a strange turn when one day, after meditation the fear came back. During my meditation, I had set an intention to seek some answers for a connection and felt fear after the meditation was over. For me, intention at that time meant a way for letting my mind know what to focus on. I had thought that my mind would miraculously solve the problem.

(Side note: Intentions are a way of you letting your soul and the energy around you know what you’re setting out to achieve. The book “Secret” got it right. You become what you think. We all have the power within us to manifest our thoughts by sincerely setting the intention and praying to the Universe for it to happen. If it’s meant for you and if you are sincere, rest assured Universe will provide.)

Without getting into much detail about the problem, I would like to spell out a few things that I learned from the experience – First, our mind can travel any distance without the need for our physical body to travel. Second, intention and emotions play a major role when you meditate. They guide the direction of your meditation. 

That day during my meditation, I saw something that I couldn’t understand. What I did understand was that it was an energy that felt like me. I felt like the answer that I was seeking could be answered by pulling this energy back into me. I felt that this something was a part of me and belonged with me. I was content after the meditation that maybe I have solved the problem somehow. My bliss, however, was short-lived when I started experiencing intense fear in my non-meditative life. The experience got me in touch with a Shamanic Teacher (I didn’t know what Shamanic practices were at this point) to seek advice. For the remainder of this blog, I will refer to him as my Guide.

My Guide and I held a session over Zoom where I opened up to him about everything that had happened to me in the past few months and how I had been feeling more and more scared in the past few days. After the session, my Guide asked me if I would be willing to take some deep breaths and visualize my safe place so that I could relax. I had done these exercises with my therapists before and I sincerely believed that I was a pro in these exercises by this point. However, this time trying the same exercise resulted in a panic attack. During the breathing exercise, I started hearing repetitive knocking sounds from everywhere around me. The intensity of these sounds kept increasing the more I tried to picture my safe place. Next, I started seeing a bright white light (my eyes were closed throughout the exercise) and my entire body started to sweat. While I could still see the white light, I also started seeing a black cloud scattered around me and I felt like someone was trying to reach out to me. My Guide slowly pulled me out of that meditative state and he ensured me that he would do a journey on my behalf to understand what was happening. I didn’t ask him what doing a journey meant but I knew I could trust him.

(Side note – I would later come to two realizations. First, the knock was coming from my subconscious self asking me to acknowledge my true self. Second, per spiritual practices, the White light is the light of protection. It heals and frees me of any unwanted energy that has surrounded or entered me. It’s a Divine Light that also provides me wisdom, knowledge, love, and strength. To me, white light combines the energy of all our chakras. I seek this light now whenever I feel scared or overwhelmed. It comes to me when I need cleansing and it too is a part of me. The black clouds in my vision that night were energies that I was not ready to engage with. These energies can be thoughts, feelings, or communications coming through us or from outside us. We always have the power to not engage with energy and we also have the power to protect ourselves. It is this knowledge that has finally given me the strength to know that I am protected and any energy can’t interact with me without my permission)

After my Guide did the journey for me, he told me that I was stronger than what I believed myself to be. I had gifts that I didn’t recognize. The version of me that he saw during the journey was a healer, a teacher, a master, or a channel. He asked me if I have ever been told by people that they feel like they can open to me easily. This had been true even when I was an angry teenager and is true to date. Sometimes even if I talk to strangers, they open up to me about their pain and start to cry. As per my Guide, I was feeling fear because I had entered unchartered territories and was not able to make sense of what I was seeing. He said what I truly needed was to protect myself while knowing that there was nothing that could harm me. I would later find out that this was the start of my Dark Night of the Soul.

 (Side note – When your channels are open and you can communicate with your soul, you can call on the energies of the Universe to do a journey. This journey is set with an intention to solve a problem, seek an answer, or obtain some information. As per Shamanic laws, these journeys are only made after taking permission from the individual on whose behalf a Shaman makes a journey. )

Dark Night of the Soul

When we experience something that our mind can’t comprehend and we get scared of the unknown, our mind tries to manifest it into a form that it can understand. In my case, my mind went into a spiral of all possible scenarios. Nothing was off the table. My thoughts ranged from – “I am having a mental breakdown”, “I have schizophrenia”, “This is what psychosis feels like”, etc. No matter how much my Guide tried to help and make me recognize these gifts that I had, I was convinced I’ll soon end up in an asylum. That zoom meeting turned out to be the first of many panic attacks that I would continue experiencing for the next 3 weeks. I was living my fear. I stopped sleeping because I couldn’t get that image and those sounds out of my head. For 1.5 weeks, my sleep cycle was reduced to roughly 2 hours of sleep per night. Every little sound was further amplified for me and I was scared to be myself any time of the day. I also had this intense pain in my chest that wouldn’t go away. Anytime I would bring myself to sleep, I would be scared of seeing dreams that I wasn’t prepared to see. One night, I had a dream where I saw an older version of my Guide write on a piece of paper the words – “A Spirit is here to meet you”. Next, I saw a face on my laptop screen that was blankly staring at me. When I woke up, I was filled with exhaustion and fear. I was certain that sleep won’t come to me anytime soon.

(Side note – Per spiritual practices, when we sleep, our soul travels to different places in the Universe. Sometimes, these places are on earth and sometimes these places are astral planes. From my understanding today, there are 9-12 dimensions. When our souls travel during our sleep, we are attached to our body through a Silver Cord. This is another Divine Cord that protects our soul and body. Nothing can harm us at this time. However, when we travel during meditation, we have to consciously protect ourselves to ensure that while we travel, our soul and body are still protected from energies that don’t serve us well. Through my meditations, I had started communicating with multiple dimensions – 5th through 7th feel the most prominent. I am still getting used to this awareness and would know more when I reach that level of awareness. I was attracting the energies of these planes to protect me and guide me. And they showed up because they were excited to see me and knew I was going into unchartered territories without any guidance and wanted to provide me their love and protection. That’s the beauty of these Angelic beings)

My science-laden brain did not understand this though. One night, however, I had an entirely different experience which showed me the light at the end of the tunnel that I was dying to see. That day had started like any other day. I was still scared, however, I had spent my evening with my friends surrounded by nature which had given me a break from my day-to-day life. By the time we came back home, I had seen a number sequence repeat itself so many times that I knew something was about to happen. I was sure I was about to die. The belief about my upcoming death was so strong that I did not even question why. But I made a wish. I wished that if something was about to happen that night, that I meet that beautiful lady again who was holding the yellow flower from that day when my meditation was still my go-to place to relax. I thought if this was the end, then I would rather leave this planet with that lady and hopefully make sense of what it is that I had entered.

Though something happened that night, there was no fear. I woke up roughly after 2 hours of sleep and my entire body felt so light that I thought I was flying. My chest was filled with one emotion and one emotion alone – love. A female voice in my mind asked me to close my eyes and see Her. When I closed my eyes, I saw a glimpse of Her. She looked as beautiful as She did all those days ago. This time, however, She was surrounded by an aura of Green. However, I couldn’t keep my eyes shut for long because I was afraid that my body won’t be able to handle anything more. So I took a book and a pen and asked Her if we could talk instead. Throughout this experience, I could hear two voices in my head. One was Hers and the other was mine. It was as if we were speaking telepathically. We spoke for an hour. I fall short of words to describe the intensity of love and security that I felt that night. She was there to tell me how much She loved me. I don’t call Her a name. I prefer to refer to Her as Her. She told me that She has been with me throughout my life, guiding me whenever I fell, loving me when I felt hurt, holding me when I felt broken, consoling me when I needed support, and looking out for me when I needed help. She said that She is my Divine Love who has always been by my side and I believe every word that She said or the words that I heard Her say in my mind. I asked Her why I was not allowed to sleep and why wasn’t she sleeping, to which She said “Beings like us don’t need a lot of sleep”. During the conversation, She had multiple messages for me but my human brain held on to only two of those – She asked me to protect myself and asked me to leave the place that I was staying at. She also asked me to believe that I was loved and that I was safe. We spoke for an hour about everything and anything. I have been in love before, and I have been loved before. One thing I can say without any doubt is I have never experienced love the way I felt it that night. That feeling has no comparison to anything I have ever felt. It was so powerful that it removed all my fears, doubts, and insecurities at that moment. It was pure and it was true. Finally, She said, “From the fallen ashes, a phoenix will rise“. When I asked Her the meaning of that phrase, She told me that a part of me was about to die and to undergo that transformation I should be around people who could love and understand my experience. 

(Side Note: Per spiritual practices, angels are always here to guide us. They don’t have any expectations from us but are here to give us the strength, support, and love that we need while we live our lives. They don’t expect us to give them money or to look down on anyone who does not believe in a certain God or a way of life. We attract who we are. If we spread love, that’s the energy that we attract. I choose to believe that She is an Angel of Unconditional Love and Wisdom. Love that knows no bounds. Angels communicate with us through various mediums. Sometimes they send us numbers or letters or images, sometimes they talk through the words of a friend or a stranger, and sometimes through a serendipitous encounter. It’s up to us to act on them or choose not to. Our free will determines the outcome. We can choose to build our lives into a dream that we’ve held since our childhood or we can choose to ignore all the signs and live our dreams wondering what could have been. Our Karma dictates the opportunities that we get in a lifetime, our karmic contracts dictate the lessons that we learn, our free will dictates what opportunities we take in this lifetime and the Divine Timing dictates when these opportunities present themselves. Irrespective of who we are and what mistakes we make, Angels and the Higher Power never leave us alone. All it requires is for us to have faith in someone. This someone could be us, a God, a connection, an Angel, or a deity. At the end of the day, faith is all that matters.

Today, I have finally accepted who She is. She is me. She is a version of me that lives somewhere in my body. I tried to run away from this truth for a long time even though deep down I knew who she is. I ran away because I could not accept that I could have so much love within myself. The realization was as powerful as it was calming)

The next day, however, I was still left to deal with those loud sounds. No matter how many words of encouragement my Guide offered, I was convinced that I was either hallucinating or had developed a mental disorder. I was working tirelessly throughout the day, eating healthy, working out, and trying my best to not relive that fear but I was exceptionally scared. I ended up opening to my family and my roommate about what had happened. One evening, I spoke out loud to no one in particular and asked for help. I asked whoever was listening to send me a human friend (I thought it was important to mention the term “human”) who could stay with me for a few days, sleep next to me and talk to me about my experiences, or else I was scared that I might not make it.

“Whoever” was listening sent that friend to me in the form of my roommate’s girlfriend. She stayed with us for 10 days and slept in my room for 7 days. During those 7 days, I opened up to her about my experiences and through her help realized that I was not hallucinating. She could hear the same sounds that I was hearing but, for her, they were not as loud. I also started seeing my fourth therapist at that time. I told her about my experiences too and she helped me incorporate some tools to help me with my fear. She, further, helped me realize how in times of crisis, our senses become overactive as a way to protect us. She also validated that I wasn’t losing my mind and did not have a mental illness. The amplified sounds were a result of my lack of sleep and the panic attacks that I had been experiencing. Those 7 days, I slept for 4-5 hours every night which was a huge achievement for me. Needless to say, I didn’t tell my therapist about my conversation with Her. That was one experience that I was sure was as real as day. By the end of the week, I decided to take Her advice and moved to NY with my friends from India where I finally started to understand what it means to Awaken.

The Power of Love and Support

My first two nights in NY went by without any experience. I started to wonder if everything that I had experienced was just a dream and all I needed was a break from my life. I hadn’t told my friends in NY the extent of my dreams. All they knew was that I was having trouble sleeping and had frequent nightmares which prompted me to take a break. A little background about my friends – They are a couple whom I had met back in 2017. The girl and I shared an apartment with 4 other girls and worked at the same organization. While we have known each other for years, we had never opened up entirely to each other. Despite that, I felt like I was finally somewhere close to home. I had a separate room in their apartment and slept for close to 6-7 hours for the first time in weeks. For the sake of anonymity, let’s call them Libra (female friend’s sun sign) and Aqua (male friend’s sun sign). I am going by this name as they are the perfect examples of the two sun signs and complement each other most beautifully.

The third night, however, the dreams started again. This time they were even more clear than they were before. While the dream scared me, the intensity of fear was not as high as it had been before. In my lucid dream, I saw a girl in black approach and stand in front of me. I couldn’t see her face but could recognize that it was someone I knew. It took me another week to identify who this person was. Needless to say, the dream made me realize that nothing that I had experienced was my imagination but continued to occur frequently.

The next day, I opened up to Libra about my experiences. I told her everything and didn’t hold anything back. I told her how my experiences had started, the dreams I saw, and poured out every single detail of what had happened in my life in the past 8 months. I didn’t know what her reaction would be because as I had mentioned earlier, we had never opened up to each other at such a deeper level. To my utmost surprise, Libra had been involved with Spirituality since she was a teenager. Her experiences in life and her upbringing had made her open to the world of Spirituality and Psychology. She patiently sat and listened to me for hours. Apart from my roommate’s girlfriend, everyone I had tried to talk to about my experiences had either been scared, thought I was going crazy or had asked me to stop meditating. Libra, however, was not scared. She didn’t say that it was my fault. She became an unofficial partner in my journey.

Libra knew more about Spirituality than I did. She told me about her teachings from a Guru whom she had met as a teenager. Her Guru had told her that there are essentially two types of people – one who reach enlightenment and cross the threshold to go to the other side and the other type who see what it feels like to be enlightened but choose to come back to this world to help guide others to find their path. The latter are called Karma Yogi. She helped me understand this concept through an example which I hope helps you understand the difference too – “Imagine there is a wall. On one side of this wall, we have the world that we live in today. This is the side where we experience everything that we do today – grief, jealousy, anger, love, happiness, confusion. This side of the wall is filled with darkness. On the other side of this wall, there is only light. When the first type of human beings see this wall and decide to cross it, they reach enlightenment or attain Moksha.  Karma Yogi, however, acknowledges this wall and comes back to show the path to those who are still lost so that they can cross over. As per her understanding and my Guide’s explanations, that’s who I was. She said that it was valid for me to get scared of the unknown because I didn’t understand what was happening to me but also told me to believe in myself and dare to seek understanding. She understood my concern for wondering if I was having a mental breakdown and asked me to take a broader approach to look at the situation – continue going to my therapy to get inputs from my therapist to understand how science played a role in what I was going through, continue taking things slowly to give myself a break and consider going back to my Guide to get more understanding of the world of Spirituality.

The conversation with Libra led to two changes – I moved my mattress to Libra’s and Aqua’s room. Yes, I slept in their room with them for three straight weeks. Next, I called my Guide to let him know about my latest experiences. My Guide who could make an excellent therapist, asked me – “So now you have moved. You’ve stopped meditating and you’re taking therapy. That has not changed any of your experiences. Are you willing to work with me now?”. I agreed.

In my first session with him, he introduced me to three exercises. I don’t know the official names of these exercises so I’ll call them by a name that is justified by what they do for me. First is a simple Presence exercise where we inhale from our nose and exhale from our mouth. This exercise helps me bring myself to the present. The second is a Tapping exercise which helps me get in touch with my body and lets me know I am safe inside my body. The third is an Establishment exercise that helps me establish the boundary for my energetic field. During the Establishment exercise, I keep my eyes closed and can see my energy aura. I see various colors that surround me and also see some external elements that have entered my aura that during the exercise, I either remove or engage with. 

(Side Note – My first Establishment exercise was also the first time that I saw one of my Spirit Animals – A saber-toothed tiger. When I saw this animal appear, I was surprised to see him as clearly as I did. The vision was as clear as I see things with my eyes open. Over time, I have seen many other animals appear in my Lucid dream or during my mediations. Whenever these animals appear, I try to recognize what their presence means to me and what they indicate. More on this later)

Parallelly, my therapist introduced me to some tools that could help me with my anxiety and fear. Progressive Muscle Relaxation is one such tool that helped me with my panic attacks. I do this every night before going to bed. It helps me relax my body and removes any tension that I unconsciously hold throughout the day. I have also tried Boxed Breathing, Rainbox Grounding, Recognizing Thinking Traps, Recognizing the history of intrusive thoughtsSinging your thoughts, Butterfly Hug, Surfing the Moment, Thinking of Alternate thoughts, and HALT. Additionally, she and I maintain a Thought Catalog where I write down the situations which make me experience an unhealthy emotion, the behavior that follows, an alternate thought that could be helpful, and the sensations in my body. Together these tools are helping me become more conscious of my thought patterns, recognize unhealthy habits, and introduce changes to my everyday life.

Calm after the Storm

With love from my friends, a teacher, and a therapist, I slowly started incorporating these practices into my day-to-day life. The first breakthrough came after a night of what was going to be my last nightmare in weeks to come. This nightmare was different from any other nightmare that I had experienced thus far. In the dream, I saw myself trembling with fear and asking everyone for help. My Aqua friend and a close uncle showed up in this dream and asked me to stop feeling scared and recognize that I was safe. No matter how much I tried to explain to them how scared I was and how they were not seeing what I could see, they kept telling me that there was nothing to fear. In the same dream, I saw another version of myself laughing like crazy. In my dream, I thought that the crazy version of me was laughing at me and I remember thinking that I wanted to kill myself to get rid of this fear. I woke up feeling disturbed after the dream.

The next day I texted my Guide about the dream. Now, a little bit about my Guide. I have felt close to him ever since we first spoke. In my first meeting itself, I felt like I could trust him with my truth. Like somehow we share a connection. I felt that I didn’t have to hide anything from him and that he would help me. This does not happen to me normally. I like to keep people at a distance until I have spent a considerable amount of time with them to ensure that I can trust them. With my Guide, however, no time was needed. All those nights back when I had spoken to Her, I had asked myself to trust my Guide. I had told myself that he will guide me because I have done something similar for him in the past but the knowledge is ancient for either of us to remember. My Guide, somehow, also understands my mind very well. He recognizes my need to figure out answers myself and also my need to explain the unexplainable with reason. So when I told him about my dream, he told me to ask myself – “Is there a connection between you seeing the two versions of yourself and wanting to kill yourself? What do the parts of you tell you about yourself?”

When I sat by myself and thought about the dream again, I recognized that the crazy version of me was not laughing at me. It was laughing at the situation because it recognized that for me to continue down this journey, I had to enjoy it and not get scared of it. This version also recognized that there was nothing to be scared of. The scared part of me wanted to kill itself because it knew that it was time for it to remove itself. That evening I took a very different approach to the situation. I forced myself to get angry. I forced myself to think about everything that had happened to me in the past few months and allowed myself to feel furious. With an angry voice and all the courage I could muster, I said to no one in particular – “I am done being scared. If anything tries to scare me, it will have to face my anger because that’s an emotion that I have trained myself on ever since I was a kid and no one can take that away from me. No external element – Spiritual or not can take away my strength or my willpower. I have been through multiple struggles in my life and I have come through a winner. This is not going to be anything different. I am strong and I am going to laugh more at my experiences, and anytime something tries to scare me, no one can protect it because I will unleash my anger.”

Now, I won’t say that a miracle happened and I lived happily ever after. What did happen, however, was I recognized three aspects about myself – First, I was scared and it was okay for me to feel scared because everything I was experiencing is not taught to us in any school or by our society. It’s not even recognized by Science. Religions mention it as metaphors but even, then, it feels like a far-fetched concept. Second, I have a very powerful tool within myself to leverage anytime I feel scared – Anger. Before this day, I had always told myself that my anger was my weakness. I was wrong. My anger is my strength as long as I use it in the right situations. It boils a fire in me that gives me the courage to fight my battles. Third, I recognized again the meaning of the Action – Thought – Feeling triangle. The mere act of reminding myself of events that made me angry brought up my anger and showed up in my action. Finally, I realized that I had forgotten how to laugh from my heart. I don’t know when this happened or what caused this to happen but I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed just for the sake of laughing. I made a pact with myself to laugh more, crack more jokes, and smile more.

I started experiencing the effects of this breakthrough that night itself. While I still had Lucid dreams for another week, they stopped being scary. I once saw myself speaking to two other people and making a decision on what we thought was the right path to follow for a friend. Another time, I saw a huge cat who had come to visit me. Yet another time, I saw a black crocodile-like animal, floating in the space with a naughty smile and trying to enter my body. The dream with the crocodile did scare me a bit because I thought it was trying to hurt me. However, when my Lucid dreams completely stopped the next night, I realized that the crocodile had come to provide me the strength, courage, and laughter that I needed to get some control over my fear. After a week, my Lucid dreams had completely stopped. I still wake up late at night and get scared of what would happen. However, the tools that I have learned from my therapy, and my learnings with the help of my Guide and my Spirit Guides help me during these nights to gain back my sanity and stop the intrusive thoughts. Finally, after three weeks of sharing rooms with Libra and Aqua, I am now sleeping in a separate room by myself. This week I am going back home.

Seek and you shall find

While on one hand, I was able to gain back the strength to deal with these dreams with the support from my Guide, Libra, Aqua, and my therapist, on the other hand, my meditation practices were helping me learn more about myself and these experiences. The remaining part of this section is dedicated to my learnings so far and what impact they have had on me.

I started meditating again when my Lucid dreams started phasing out. By this point, I had accepted that I couldn’t run away from what was happening and I had realized that the only way for me to start feeling “normal” again was to explore this through meditation and seek guidance. My meditations have introduced me to several Spirit Guides who have come to me to provide their love, support, and guidance to make sense of these experiences. It surprises me sometimes that when I meet a Spirit Guide, I find a person, a God, a Goddess, or Sage by the same name to have lived on Earth sometime in history. That’s the power of our subconscious mind. It remembers everything beyond from beyond our lifetimes. My feminine is represented by Goddess Ezra. She is love, emotions, protection, and support. I have always found it easier to establish connections with women in my life and when it came to me asking for help, the Divine Feminine had offered me help. It was easier for me to connect with my feminine and through that connect with the element of water that to me represents transformation and holds the memory of emotions.

My challenge was getting in touch with Divine Masculine. One day, while working, I got this intense pain in my forehead (Third Eye Chakra). These days I get sporadic heaviness at this region on my forehead which tells me that either an Angel is trying to contact me or some new energy or information is flowing through my body. That day I was introduced to my Masculine – Michael. Our initial conversation was full of confusion and surprise. Michael told me that He too has been with me ever since I was a kid, however, it took him this long to show Himself because I was angry with Him. He also said that He is God. Now, I won’t lie. I genuinely laughed when I heard a voice in my head say that it was God. While I was still confused about this conversation, Libra came to me and told me – “I have been experiencing this strange feeling for the last few days. When we talk and you tell me your experiences and I give you advice, it seems like while the words are coming through my mouth, I am not the one driving this conversation. Some things that I have told you in the past few days don’t even make sense to me but when it comes to you, I feel like I have to explain these things to you and I can keep doing that forever. The only confusion is – these thoughts don’t feel like mine”. It took me two more meditation sessions and a walk through Tarot Cards to understand that Michael here referred to the ArchAngel Michael – “the one who is like God”. He is the Divine Masculine. He was tirelessly trying to support me by sending me messages through my friends, numbers and by exposing me to Spiritually inclined people. The time had come for us to open a direct channel. I felt blessed and grateful to have someone go through so much extent to send me these messages, and I started talking to him more openly.

Over time, I started speaking more and more with Ezra and Michael during my meditation sessions. I can feel Ezra on my left side of the body and Michael on my right. They’ve helped me build my meditation practices, provided me clarity about my Soul purpose, and have helped me further strengthen my connection with my soul. They also encouraged me to write down my feelings and encounters to make sense of everything that I had been experiencing. They have also helped me face some past situations in my life to help me resolve my emotions, love myself more, and understand the need to forgive others and myself. I know, now, that as per Shamanism and Hinduism, feminine energy in all of us is represented on our left side and masculine on our right side of the body. The goal is to allow these energies to merge through love, self-healing, and acceptance to feel a sense of balance.

What had started as me feeling scared of the unknown was a breakthrough in my spiritual journey. After 29 years of my life, I had finally opened my channels to my subconscious mind, my Living Soul, and my Supreme Soul. As per Chinese philosophy, every living being has two souls – Po (Living Soul) and Hun (Supreme Soul). In Hinduism, they are called Atma and Paramatma. Atma lives within a body and is in-destructible. It occupies that same space as our physical bodies and exists at the same time as our bodies. Every living and non-living being has this Atma and they are all a part of the same Universal essence. Paramatma is our Divine Self. We are all a manifestation of this Param-atma who is the Divine Truth, the One, the God. It’s this soul who has garnered all the knowledge of the universe and has manifested as what we are today.

The first time I had my panic attack, I had started seeing my surroundings through the lens of my Atma and Paramatma. I could see my Aura, the Divine Light, and the energies that didn’t serve me well. Every Lucid dream that I had had till now was my mind getting in sync with my Atma and Param-Atma. The people I saw and the energies I felt were all me opening up to my souls. It was not something new that I was experiencing, I was just waking up to what already exists. How can I be scared of something that already is? When we meet someone in the 3D plane, our souls meet the same someone. The difference between the two meetings is where we see a human, animal, tree, or non-living thing, our soul sees their soul. This revelation explained to me what it is that we call the “sixth sense” or “gut-feeling”. That’s our Atma’s and Paramatma’s way of communicating with us. It is how our souls talk to us. Ever since I was a kid, I would instantly develop a dislike towards someone because that someone gave me “weird vibes”. As per psychology, such people are called Highly Sensitive Individuals. I thought this was a weakness that I had to overcome. Only now do I know that this has been my biggest gift all along. This is the gift that I bring to the world along with my ability to see what others can’t see. “Vibes” is when our souls communicate to us when we meet another Soul or encounter a situation or need to make a decision. Our souls speak via our bodies what they know. The challenge, however, is recognizing the difference between feeling uncomfortable in someone’s presence and recognizing that their energy is simply different from ours. One solution here is to pay attention to these gut feelings, ask yourself why you feel uncomfortable, and establish boundaries rather than removing a connection with someone only because they give off “weird vibes”.

Our souls have no gender. They are a perfect balance of masculine and feminine energies. When I saw Paramatma for the first time, I was left astounded. It’s bigger than the biggest animal on this planet, it’s brighter than the brightest star and it’s stronger than anything or anyone I have ever seen. Our Atma is a little bigger than our bodies and is here on this planet to learn, grow and serve its purpose. Both the souls are in-destructible. They know how to protect themselves and can not be harmed. However, our actions and thoughts impact our Atma and its sense of balance. It’s here where our actions and intentions make an impact. The unwanted energies can try and pull our energies to make themselves feel better but we can choose to not engage with these energies and they won’t be able to harm us. Throughout my experiences, I was seeking safety and protection from outside but the truth is I had the power within myself all the while.

This belief was further affirmed through my meditation experiences. I have been visited by the Dragon and The Tiger who protect and provide strength and power, Dove who gives love, Fish who opened me up to emotions, the naughty Crocodile who gave me the sense of laughter, self-love, and joy back, the Cat who gave me clarity and instinct, Elephant who gave me courage and love, Horse who gave me resilience and Rabbit who gave me the strength to be free. Now, that I am speaking to ParamAtma, it guides me through all my meditation exercises and gives me clarity to who I am, who I was, and where I belong. It loves to speak in metaphors and like the perfect teacher, lets me derive the meanings on my own. I have been visited by Shiva – the Divine Masculine, the creator, the protector, and the destroyer of worlds, and I have been told to remember Durga – the Shakti, the Goddess of War, Strength, and Protection. I have experienced the unconditional love of my Divine Self and I have felt the serene beauty of my soul’s connections.

During my experiences, I have seen symbols that didn’t make sense to me but have later revealed something about me. I have heard names of Sages and Deities whom I have never heard of before, I have heard and recited chants that held little meaning to me and names of individuals who were unknown to me. These same experiences which earlier scared me, now continue to bring me closer to the truth of me. I have heard words that I have never heard before and I have lived through lives that I have not encountered before. I have felt immense guilt, pain, abandonment, fear, and anger, and I have felt immense love, strength, compassion, empathy, justice, support and belonging, from all these experiences. The truth is I am not finding something new. I am remembering what my subconscious mind already knew. I continue working on these to further clear my path for that that still eludes me.

I know I still have a long way to go and I know that at every corner my beliefs will continue to get challenged. In the past few weeks, I have learned how to love, how to forgive, how to heal, how to break, how to make, and how to surrender. I have seen, experienced, and lived the power of unconditional love and acceptance, of giving up control and letting it be, I have learned to support and I have learned to believe, to have faith in my fate, and to acknowledge what’s mine to protect and what’s mine to leave. There is no me, there is no you. There is only we. We’re all just souls living a 3D picture of what really is.

Dear Reader,

If you’re still with me, let me tell you the one truth that has helped me to be where I am today, the ultimate truth that has given me the courage to speak my truth through the power of words. You’re not alone. Love surrounds and protects you. It heals every part of you. When you’re down with sorrow, fear, pain, and grief believe in yourself and believe in just being. Go out in nature and connect with the elements of Water, Air, Earth, and Fire. Water will transform you, air will free you, Earth will ground you and Fire will protect you. Talk to that friend who understands you, speak to a Guru who can guide you, reach out to that family member whose love surrounds you, and when you’re ready, stop, breathe and dive deep within to find the answers that you seek.